Film Reaction: G.I. JOE RETALIATION

And what sort of time do you call this...?

Anyone who has been reading this blog since the early days (so, none of you) don't need reminding of this, but I'm one of those weird people that really, genuinely loved 'G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra', and I give that movie all the credit for kickstarting my enthusiasm for all things Joe, which four years and over a hundred 4-inch plastic men later, shows no sign of halting.  Of course, us weird people are in the minority, which explains why it's taken so long to bolt together a sequel (it's still kinda disturbing that a movie can make a $300million+ profit and be considered a commercial dud...) and why, when it was all good and ready to debut, Paramount chickened out and delayed it by nearly a whole year so they could make it 3D.  Part of me - a very vocal part of me - considers it a knock on the Joes' honour that some douchey film execs didn't think they could hold their own against hands-down the worst interpretation of Spider-Man witnessed by a paying audience in history, but then I guess they were right, since that bloody awful reboot killed at the box office and gave me another few thousand reasons to doubt the existence of a benevolent god.

Still, it's here now, at last, and having caught a late afternoon showing on the 28th March with my folks as a belated birthday thing - and let the memories slosh around in my head for a while - I think I'm ready to put some concrete opinions down.  Good ones, thankfully.  (WARNING: SPOILERS FOLLOW)

(And seriously, f*** everything about Amazing Spider-Man)

Toy Pictorial: Sideshow 12" Firefly

By now you've probably realised, I'm a little infatuated with G.I. Joe.  In fact, I'm sufficiently infatuated with the franchise to blow nearly £100 on a single figure, apparently.  Providing, of course, that's it's a very special sort of figure.  And for the most part, Sideshow Collectibles' run of 12" Joes fits that bill perfectly.

There've been a fair few releases in the Sideshow range already, and regular viewers of the blog may recall seeing their Cobra Commander figure in my first post (feel free to go check).  However, since he was the first I purchased - and still my favourite - I'm giving Firefly the spotlight today.  Partly, I bought this based on a review of the figure at GeneralsJoes which was very enthusiastic, and partly because despite not appearing in The Rise of Cobra, I've quickly become a massive fan of Firefly as a character.  Though I like how the movie made Cobra as an entity look and function, and in fact probably wouldn't have it any other way, I rather like having one lone guy amongst the evil legions who actually looks like the sort of terrorist that the Joes seem to think they're fighting.  In fact, the lunatic excesses of the rest of Cobra actually make Firefly stick out all the more.

And of course, Sideshow did a fantastic, fantastic job with this particular Firefly, combining a splendidly-articulated body with a revised but instantly familiar outfit, and a ton of excellent gear to stick on him.  And since I'm feeling generous...or just in the mood to show off...here's a rundown of exactly how awesome he is.  Let's start with some poses!

"Reporting for duty!  Assuming said duty involves making stuff explode.

Otherwise, piss off."

"Sex bomb, sex bomb, yoooouuuu'rre my sex bomb!"

When Firefly sings to his grenades, try not to stare. 

Curiously, for a man so fond of exploding things,

Firefly likes to keep his guns quiet. 

Token crotch shot.

No, I don't expect you to be interested in his plastic penis.  I'm just pointing out his nice articulation, not to mention the snazzy detailing on his trousers and boots.  Nice knife sheath, too. 

Good luck getting that stuff through airport security. 

There're lots of little gaps in the fabric across both the backpack pouches and the strap that goes across his front; these can be used to hook on either some grenades (good luck trying to get all of them on there...) or the various separate pouches Firefly comes with - there's one for his detonator, one for his pistol clips and two small ones for...well, anything that fits.  I figure you can split the mines between them, though fitting two mines in one pouch can be tricky.  If all else fails, the backpack itself has enough space inside to hold all his smaller accessories at once.  An inelegant solution, but nice and easy, and very thoughtful of the designers.

Now THAT...is a ton of stuff. 

Just felt like showing all the accessories at once.  Helps to get your head around exactly what your money gets you.  Two guns, both with suppressors and detachable aim-assist gizmos and four clips; three pairs of hands (only two in shot); a knife; a pair of goggles; five frag grenades; two flash-bang grenades; two smoke grenades (one red, one yellow); four detachable pouches; one large backpack with adjustable straps; two shaped explosive charges; one suitcase; and one detonator.  Whew.

"If you can't strip this baby down whilst blindfolded,

you're not badass enough to put me on your shelf.  Nerd." 

Nice close-up of the pistol in hand.  Note how the slide can be pulled back, so it looks like it's really out of bullets?  How brilliant is that?!

It's a cool gun.

Can't really think of anything funny to say here. 

There's no adjustable slide fanciness on the SMG (don't ask me what model it is - I'm not entirely clued up on my gun names), but the stock can fold up along the side of the gun (look back at the first pic to see that), and of course the scope for the top and the suppressor can both detach.  The spare mags, FYI, fit snugly into a pouch that's clipped around Firefly's left thigh.

"Hell're you lookin' at?  It was wash day, alright?" 

Oh yeah, forgot to say: Firefly actually comes with two heads.  In fact, the above one is the default, and is the one used on the packaging.  However, when pre-release pics were seen by the Joe fandom, there was a pretty strong backlash, since all previous Firefly figs have had a mask that matched the rest of his uniform.  Sideshow - and this was very nice of them, it must be said - took those words to heart, and added a second head with the same grey camo scheme as the rest of the uniform.  This may be the only time I'll ever say this, but I'm thankful for the fanboys' whining in this case; although there's nothing wrong with the black head, the camo one is just so much cooler.

"You can have the blade, or just a punch in the face.

Either way it'll kill you, it's just a question of how much you bleed." 

The knife's pretty small, but it looks sharp, and I like how the blade is camouflage-painted (presumably so it doesn't reflect light and give Firefly's position away during night-time operations.  Also, this is the only photo where I remembered to put his hood up.  Firefly's never had a hood before or since (maybe because Hasbro think that should remain strictly Zartan's 'thing') but it really suits him here, and fits very snugly.

Not something you want to declare at Customs. 

I love the fact that he's got a suitcase bomb.  It's so much more modern and practical and...terrorist-y than just a big block of C4.  Not sure if I needed to have the individual charges be removable, but I suppose you could use the case for other things.

"Dammit, I can never get Radio 1 on this thing..." 

If you're gonna have a bomb, you'll need a detonator too.  It's a bit...retro, but it matches the equivalent accessory from the old-school Firefly figure, which is nice, and it fits one of his hands perfectly.

Looks like a hockey puck.

Almost as dangerous, too. 

One of his four limpet mines.  They're a very nice size, I feel, and clearly fit his hands.  Plus they fit the 'saboteur' function better than plain ol' grenades.  Also...

Sticky! 

...they're magnetic!  Love that, I really do.  It's all well and good saying these sort of figures are collectors' pieces, but c'mon...you're gonna play with them at some point, so they'd better have something to offer in that regard.

Also, I'd like to give the box some love.  I'm not one for keeping things mint-on-card, so when I do keep the packaging, it's because it's special somehow.  This is one of those times.  It's got a lovely fold-out design, lots of printed details, some nice pics, AND you can open it without tearing off any sellotape, so it stays presentable.  Lovely.

Firefly relaxes after a good days' work.

Or as close to relaxing as you can get with a face like that.

Next time, erm...no idea.  See you then!

Behold...SPECIALIST TRAKKER!

Exactly why I've become infatuated with Specialist Trakker is beyond me.  Maybe it's the brilliant juxtaposition he represents; the neat hair, icy expression and sharp cheekbones give him a smart look, like an Aryan James Bond; the functional but oddly-coloured uniform looks like something from Buck Rogers or Dan Dare; so you're just about ready for a space-age British spy-cum-soldier of fortune...and then he puts a bucket on his head and wears what can best be described as a neon green helicopter backpack.  It's beyond ridiculous, but in a good way.  And since I've seen very little support for this guy elsewhere, here's my tribute to Trakker, in story form.

Duke:  "Pit Actual, this is Duke!  We're being pinned down by two oversized

funny-coloured Daleks!  They already killed...uhm...what's that guy's name?"

Ripcord:  "Shit son, I ain't gonna know his cracka name!"

Duke:  "God, I miss the days when you were white.  They killed the ginger

guy who drives the weird small tank, Actual!  We need fire support and we need it NOW!" 

???:  "TALLY-HO, JOE!"

Duke:  "The hell - ?"

Ripcord:  "That's wack, homes!"

Trakker:  "Not to worry, lads, Specialist Trakker is reporting for duty, ready to give

those dratted Cob-rahs a bloody good thrashing, what-what!"

Duke:  "Chrissakes, I ask for reinforcements and I get this guy..."

Ripcord:  "Get yo' funky ass outta here, playa!"

Duke:  "Yeah, not that we don't appreciate the help, but we were kinda hoping

for something other than a spaceman with an Inspector Gadget rucksack, okay?"

Trakker:  "WHAT?!"

 Trakker:  "I'll teach you to mock, you Yank sod!"
NUTSHOT!
Duke:  "BLORG!"
Ripcord:  "Sheeeyit!"

 STUNNER!

 Trakker:  "Hmph!  The General will be hearing about this little fracas, good sir!
In the meantime, just lay there and watch how a true gentleman handles
the situation!"
Duke:  "Guhhh..."

 Ripcord:  "I'm gon' go get me some fried chicken.  Whatcha wanna do about him?"
Duke:  "Just...just let him go.  He's got this one...god, my balls..."

 Dalek Scientist:  "THE HU-MANS ARE RE-TREA-TING!"
Dalek Drone:  "AS EX-PEC-TED!  THEY ARE A WEAK CRE-A-TION, DA-LEKS
ARE SU-PER-I-OR IN EV-E-RY WAY!"

 ???:  "Look to the skies and tremble, villains!"
Dalek Drone:  "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?"
Dalek Scientist:  "SCAN-NING..."

 Trakker:  "It is I, Trakker!  Surrender or you'll get such a thrashing you won't be able
to sit down for at least two months!  Er, assuming you oddly-shaped
fellows can sit down at all."

 Dalek Drone:  "THIS WAS NOT A FAC-TOR IN OUR STRA-TE-GY!"
Dalek Scientist:  "DON'T LOOK AT ME, STRA-TE-GY IS THE OR-ANGE GUY'S JOB."
Dalek Drone:  "SUP-POSE WE'D BET-TER JUST SHOOT HIM THEN."

 Dalek Drone:  "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!  GOD, IT MAKES ME FEEL SO HOT
WHEN-E-VER IS SAY THAT!"
*ZAPPY DALEK GUN NOISE!*
Trakker:  "Uh-oh, engine failing!"

 Trakker:  "Oof."

 Dalek Scientist:  "WHAT A COM-PLETE TWAT."
Dalek Drone:  "SUB-JECT'S LIFE-SIGNS STILL AC-TIVE!  SEC-URE FOR
TRANS-FER TO THE CRU-CI-BLE!"
Dalek Drone:  "DO WE STILL HAVE A CRU-CI-BLE?  I THOUGHT THAT THING BLEW UP."
Dalek Drone:  "BUG-GER, YOU'RE RIGHT.  SEND HIM TO SKA-RO IN-STEAD!"
Dalek Scientist:  "THAT PLACE EX-PLOD-ED TOO."
Dalek Drone:  "BLOO-DY HELL!  JUST SHOOT HIM SOME MORE THEN!"

 Ripcord:  "C'mon brah, git up!  GIT UP!"

 Trakker:  "Go 'copter-pack!"
Dalek Drone:  "AL-ERT!  UN-I-DENT-I-FIED TECH-NO-LO-GY STICK-ING TO
MY FACE!"

 Trakker:  "Would you mind holding this for me, sir?"
Dalek Scientist:  "VI-SION IM-PAIRED!  VI-SION IM-PAIRED!"

 Dalek Drone:  "DEF-EN-SIVE SHIELDS FAIL-ING!"
Trakker:  "Be a good sport and fall down now, will you?"
BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA!

 BOOM!
Dalek Drone:  *DEATH WAIL*

 Trakker:  "I learned this one off my dear girl Friday, Mrs. Peel!  KIYAH!"
BONK!
Dalek Scientist:  "NO!  IM-PACT ON PRE-VI-OUS-LY UN-HEARD-OF
DA-LEK WEAK POINT DE-TEC-TED!"

 BOOM!
Dalek Scientist:  *DEATH WAIL*

 Trakker:  "Done and dusted - and we'll still be home in time for the
weekend Corrie catch-up session."
Ripcord:  "Dayum!"

Specialist Trakker, the only probably-not-American American Hero you need!

Arctic Assault!

It's been snowing, so I took my Joes outside and made pretty pictures.

Snow Job:  "Weeeeeeee!"

Snow Job:  "Hell, only two bars?  There's never a mobile tower nearby when

you need one.  Let's get higher..."

Snow Job:  "Much better.  Hey, I think I see some Cobras down there. 

Better pick up my massive, overcompensatory sniper rifle and ventilate

their foreheads...crap, it's slippy up here..."

Snow Job:  "OW!  My coccyx!"

Snow Job:  "Uhh...Doc...DOC!  I need some help!"

Doc:  "And how the bejesus am I supposed to get up there?"

(Editor's note:  Why does Doc have beer cans stuck to the sides

of his helmet?  Did Hawk call him in during a Superbowl marathon?)

Doc:  "Oh, hi, Beachhead.  I didn't know you were trained for cold climates..."

Frostbite:  "I'm NOT Beachhead!  He's not the only guy in the world who can wear

a goddamn ski-mask, y'know!"

Doc:  "Well, no, but you're clearly not Firefly, so..."

Frostbite:  *sigh*

Doc:  "Um, no, Snake Eyes, I don't think shooting missiles at Snow Job is gonna

help him right now."

Snake Eyes:  "?"

Shipwreck:  "Hey, I've got an idea!"

Doc:  "Wait, YOU get snow shoes and I don't?  How is that fair?!"

Shipwreck:  "The girl in requisitions likes to stroke my beard.  Anyway..."

Shipwreck:  "I bet we could use Polly here to fly some supplies up to Snow Job!

She's a real clever bird, y'know!"

Doc:  "I'm ashamed to admit I can't think of anything better right now." 

Doc:  "Okay, let's see what's in my super-awesome medical kit.  Um...a water can, a torch,

some pliers and a slab of C4."

Shipwreck:  "That's medical stuff?"

Doc:  "I may have picked up Tripwire's backpack by mistake.  I suppose

the pliers'll have to do." 

Shipwreck:  "Fly, Polly!  FLY!"

Doc:  "That's got to be the least majestic bird I've ever seen."

Shipwreck:  "Shut your face." 

Doc:  "How long is that parrot gonna take...?"

BANG!

Shipwreck:  "What was that?" 

Doc:  "Oh...now that's what I call a dead parrot."

Shipwreck:  "POLLY?!"

Shipwreck:  "B-but...without my bird...I am LOST!"

Doc:  "Well, I'm sorry, but that parrot is no more.  It has ceased to be.

It's expired and gone to meet its maker..." 

Doc:  "It's a stiff!  Bereft of life, it rests in peace!"

Shipwreck:  "WAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Doc:  "Okay, I'll stop now." 

Doc:  "Snake Eyes, did you shoot Shipwreck's bird again?"

Snake Eyes:  *shrug*

Doc:  "Well, if you didn't, who did?"

Snow Serpent:  "HAH!  It was us!  Beware, for the Elite Cobra Arctic Non-Sniper

Sniper Squad are here to wreck your shit!"

Ice-Viper:  "Do we really have to call ourselves that?  And how come you get

snow shoes and I don't?"

Snow Serpent:  "I'm the Baroness' number-one foot masseur on my days off.

It earns me special privileges...and scars me to the pits of my soul."

Ice-Viper:  "Wow, lucky."

BONK!

Frostbite:  "HEY!  I haven't got this thing insured yet!"

Snake Eyes:  "!"

Ice Cutter Driver:  "Cry me a river, Beachhead!"

Frostbite:  "FROSTBITE!  FROST-FUCKING-BITE!"

Doc:  "How the hell didn't we hear that thing coming?" 

Destro:  "Ah, G.I. Joe!  How very 'ice' to see you!"

Doc:  "God, I preferred it when you were doing that horrible Sean Connery accent."

Shipwreck:  "He killed Polly!  Quick, Doc, shoot him with your little laser pistol!"

Doc:  "It's a flare gun.  Sorry."

Shipwreck:  "Fucking hell, if you won't do it, I'll kill him with my bare hands, and

possibly my beard!"

Doc:  "No, Anakin!  Er, Shipwreck!" 

ZAP!

Shipwreck:  "Blorg!"

Destro:  "Ha!  I think I feel another Arnie quote coming on..." 

Destro:  "We aim to...freeze.  Hehehe!" 

Storm Shadow:  "Ah!  So you yet live, my brother!  Good!  It is time we FIGHT!"

Snake Eyes:  *sigh*

Storm Shadow:  "Don't look at me like that, it's not like you've got anything

better to do." 

Storm Shadow:  "You'll notice I brought sais, brother.  Do you remember

when we were children, playing as Ninja Turtles in the halls of the Arashikage Temple?

You were always Leonardo, I was Raphael...nothing has changed, except

this time, Raphael is going to WIN!"

Snake Eyes:  "?"

Storm Shadow:  "Look, I can't help it if you're not up-to-date on our latest origin ret-cons."

Storm Shadow:  "WHAT?!  You blocked the ancient Walk Up To The Other Guy And

Stab His Face technique?!  Well, no matter - I have a thousand more silly-named

secret arts at my fingertips!"

Destro:  "Well, while those two morons sort each other out for the seventy-millionth time,

I think I should be killing you about now.  Unfortunately, my kick-arse freeze gun is only

good for one shot, so instead of a relatively painless death by cryogenics, you get to

be mangled by my enormous phallic drill."

Doc:  "Times like this I wish I had some easy way of calling in reinforcements...oh wait!" 

POOM!

Doc:  "HEELLLLLLP!" 

Destro:  "Pussy..."

 WHAM!

Destro:  "Ouch."

Doc:  "Wow!  Lucky we were carrying heavy, expensive new snowmobiles

in our big-ass transport plane overhead.  Speaking of things above,

I wonder how Snow Job's doing?"

Snow Serpent:  "Hey, check out this frying pan!  I knew looting the opposite perch

would be a good idea!"

Ice-Viper:  "Check it out - an ACTUAL sniper rifle!  Now the Non-Sniper Sniper Squad is

really a Sniper Squad!"

Snow Job:  "Dammit...if someone had just...sent up a pair of pliers...I could fix my spine...

pwn these guys..."

THE END???