The Comic-Con 2014 TEKKEN Update Post

Behold the power of Unreal 4!

Old people have never looked more wrinkly!

So, it's Saturday the 26th as I type.  Namco-Bandai's had its panel at SDCC, and with it comes the biggerer, longerer, melodramaticerer Tekken 7 teaser and the first scraps of info regarding the game.  I debated whether they were meaningful enough to justify an entirely new post after covering the EVO trailer already, but then something else happened, and dear God I need to share it.  I need to.  To purge it.

Click through if your bowels are ready.

So, this trailer.  The opinions I've seen range from the enthusiastic to the...less so.  Myself, I'm leaning towards positive, though it's admittedly disappointing to get so hyped up only for the trailer to feature no more characters than the earlier version did, and no actual gameplay.  That said, it's incredibly moody, and while some points from my earlier discussion are definitely cleared up (there's no way anyone can believe that's Jun now...right?), there's new spanners thrown in the works too.  Specifically, who the hell is Kazumi talking to?  It can't be Heihachi or Kazuya for obvious reasons; Jinpachi is more likely than I first thought but that silhouette in the doorway doesn't have his hair...beard...sideburns...whatever they are.  Might this be a new character?  Or perhaps Wang?  He was Jinpachi's friend and is traditionally aligned with the forces of good.  Not to mention he's (probably) still around in the present to give Kazuya that last little push - it can't be a coincidence that he's never mentioned Heihachi murdering Kazumi before now.

This whole idea of playing with the history of the Mishima clan has got me thinking too - what if that theme carries over to the rest of the roster?  If you're not the sort of person who pays attention to comics outside of movies based on them, well, congratulations, you're cooler than me, but you also won't be aware of the current Marvel 'event series' Original Sin.  It's ostensibly a cosmic murder mystery (and it's been pretty fun so far) but the big fallout is that the Watcher, who's kind of the universe's ultimate secret-keeper, has had his archives raided, and now everyone's dirty laundry is out in the open.  Wouldn't it be interesting to apply a similar gimmick to Tekken?  It's not just the Mishimas, everyone has skeletons in their closet, and it'd be cool for the flashback motif to be roster-wide.

Of course, there was also some panel discussion from Harada-san, Michael Murray and co.  I admit I haven't watched the stream yet - it seems to have been a shade unreliable, and I'm leery of my connection at the best of times - but I've read enough summaries to get some of the main points:

 - No gameplay was shown as T7 isn't far enough along to make a good impression.  This does worry me; I was kinda hoping they'd have been 50% of the way through or something.  Still, more time to save up for a PS4, I guess.

 - They are very insistent about ending the Mishima storyline, and are preparing to go into detail about the motivations surrounding many of the wacky choices Heihachi made in his early years (we all know that thing about tiger cubs getting thrown off cliffs is baloney, right?).  This is probably the most I've ever heard any Tekken dev talk about story before, in any context.

 - The usual bunch of extra-wacky costumes from respected videogame/manga artists (wait, a character designer from Bayonetta?  GIVE NINA GUNSHOES NOW) will be present in the arcade release first, rather than be exclusive to console.

 - Harada-san has noted the decline in the series' popularity in the North American arcade scene and wants to do something about it.  Free idea: make the game normally, then steal the Marvel vs. Capcom source code and release a reskin of that as Tekken 7 EVO Edition.  That way the arcade tourney crowd can be all "Yeah, less buttonz and moar big movez, best takken evar!" in-between chugging energy drinks and making sexist quips, while the rest of us can actually play the proper ****ing game like it's meant to be ****ing played.

 - Finally, yes, Tekken X Street Fighter still technically exists.  They gave a vague politic excuse for its non-appearance that basically amounts to, "Capcom shat the bed with SFXT so now we have to wait for the stink to go away."

All in all, not a bad showing, though my voracious appetite wished for more.

Speaking of Tekken, though, something else cropped up online this con-season, and...look, there's no way you can prepare yourself for this, but, try.  And then click here because I can't get the embed to work.

...oh dear.

*goes to make 3 cups of tea at once, knowing this will frustrate him immensely*

Look.  Whatever your feelings may have been, I really liked the 2010/2009/whatever damn year it was Tekken movie released by Crystal Sky, and I've gone on record with my support before.  So, let it be known that whatever negative things I may say about the film now apparently titled Tekken 2: Kazuya's Revenge, it's not just knee-jerk hatred because the last one pissed me off.  Okay?  Okay.

So this looks like shit.

You may have heard some rumblings a while back about a prequel to Tekken 2010 titled Tekken: The Man Called X.  As far as I know, this is it, albeit with a new title to make sure everyone knows it's not a film about Raven.  It was filmed quietly in Thailand and stars Kane Kosugi (who fans of dumb movies may remember as Hayabusa in DOA or as one of the mutant commandos from Godzilla Final Wars) as...well, presumably Kazuya, though that name isn't mentioned in this trailer or this one that just seems to be an opening scene in total.  He's got amnesia, he's running through some slums which are presumably still 'the Anvil', and gets recruited by a shifty Russian-accented fellow called the Minister who uses remote-detonated Battle Royale bombs as coercion while training his motley bunch of fighters into assassins.  Okay then.  My thoughts while watching:

 - The voiceover guy could not sound less silly if he was actually the guy from the Honest Trailers videos.  My god.

 - Kosugi's a damn good martial artists and a passable actor, but physically he's no Kazuya.  Even with the scraggly goatee his face is too cherubic to carry that guy's constant air of menace.  Ian Anthony Dale wasn't exactly right either, but he at least looked believably like a bastard.

 - Awww, what happened to Cary Tagawa's Heihachi wig?

 - I've seen the guy playing the Minister in other things but can never recall his name.  Fantastic voice, though.

 - Oh man, I really hope the chick with the Harley Quinn pigtails and slutty schoolgirl outfit is Movieverse Paris Hilton.  Imagine the screechy rage-cries from her fanbase.  It'll be like chicken soup for the soul.

 - "In a world of assassins, he will become THE BEST!"  Is he planning a gender-change op and some blonde hair dye?  Because otherwise I've got some bad news for him.

 - English-voiced brunette lady wobbling around on uncomfortable heels and occasionally sporting a gun...that's Anna, right?

 - Kosugi killing that dude by jamming an incense stick in his skull is, admittedly, cool.

 - They're not...they're not actually trying to sell the Keira Knightley lookalike as Jun, are they?  Also, didn't Kazuya rape Jun according to the last film?

 - "I'm not a murderer."  "How do you know?"  "I...I haven't murdered anyone?  I mean, it's kind of a binary definition..."

 - Someone tell me these ski-goggled twats aren't the Tekken Force/Jackhammers.  Oh god.

So...yeah.  There's some decent enough martial arts choreography here, and it's shot clearly, but it...it just looks so cheap, you know?  Not that Tekken 2010 was a summer blockbuster or anything, but it had sets, that were competently made and had thought put into them.  This appears to have been 100% shot on location, and yes, the Anvil should be a grimy place, but it's all just so flat and dull to look at; the only hints of popping colours or interesting design are archive footage from the last film, here presented as flashbacks even though this is supposedly a prequel.

FYI, the film's IMDB page is presently void of detail but clicking through to the IMDB Pro page lets you squint the cast list behind the huge 'give us money' pop-up.  Apparently Gary Daniels will re-appear as Bryan Fury, but aside from him, Kosugi's Kazuya and Tagawa's Heihachi, none of the other cast types are playing canon Tekken characters.  So, no Williams sisters in a Tekken story entirely about assassins.  Sometimes the world makes absolutely no sense...tch.  The film is expected to hit (in America, probably) Blu-ray and DVD on August 12, with theatrical runs being limited to smaller markets.  I will try to track a copy down, if nothing else to spare the rest of you.

*deep exhale*

Well this is a shit way to end a Tekken post...wait, what's that?

No, I mean THAT?  Give it a read.

Huh.  Now, to get the obvious point out of the way - yes, this is IMDB we're talking about, that whole page could be bollocks.  I've been down that road before.

And yet, I'm still hopeful.  For one thing, this doesn't feel as pie-in-the-sky as most other fake entries; I remember back in the day (he says, stroking beard and puffing on tobacco) when the idea of a Tekken movie was first floated, there were a few fakes that got some attention, usually with some very of-the-moment casting choices like Chiaki Kuriyama (Go-Go from Kill Bill) as Xiaoyu or Andy Serkis doing mocap work as Jack and/or Kuma.  Rubbish, and it's sad to think I could get fooled by that once.  Beginner's rule: if it seems like dream fancasting, it's usually lies.  This castlist is largely star-free; I mean, it's arranged according to mass-media popularity, and the guy at the top is a videogame voiceover man.  Really.  Also, while there's a lot of Tekken names present, there's also a few head-scratchers which presumably make sense in the script.

Plus, here's a thing to chew on.  Of the names presented, there are a few I have heard of from other things.  For starters, Mark Musashi is listed as Kazuya, and guess what?  He's already played Kazuya!

'Street Fighter X Tekken: The Devil Within' short by Thousand Pounds Action Company

And what of my goddess Nina Williams?  Well, the girl apparently cast for her is Amy Johnston, who is due to star in the Clandestine: Follow the Path kickstarter-funded web series by, again, the Thousand Pounds Action Company.  If you're unfamiliar with Amy, here's a few minutes of her wailing on dudes:

'Amy vs Many Rough Choreography Practice' by Thousand Pounds Action Company

...Yeah.  She'll do.

Anyway, I was actually one of the folk who contributed to Clandestine's kickstarter, largely because of reasons like the above.  The Thousand Pounds guys are blinding martial artists and are killer at shooting and editing fights for the screen, and given how much awesome they can squish into 5 minutes of Youtube fodder, it stands to reason they could make the earth shake with a full series of TV-length episodes.  Clandestine, alas, has yet to proceed beyond the pilot stage, but in one of their more recent updates, the creators went in-depth about what they've been up to since filming finished, and if you'll let me pick out some choice quotes...

"With companies out there like Netflix, Amazon and Hulu -- many other companies are seeing this and are planning to launch similar platforms of their own (these have been the companies that we've been pitching to). The problem is that they are nervous about launching new IP's like Clandestine right out of the gate, and have told us they'd rather have already known franchise names to adapt which already have large built in followings (ie. Popular Comicbooks, Anime, Videogames, Novels)."

"...we started to look towards different video game and anime titles that 1.) We know we could do justice 2.) Who's licenses weren't already acquired by other people. And as of VERY recently, we've received great news that one of the companies that we've reached out to in terms of seeing if they'd be interested in us adapting one of their particular titles, has said yes We can't announce what that title is just yet of course but the second we're able to, you all will be the first to know."

o_0  I think I spy...synchronicity?  Not to mention that one of the writers credited for this theoretical project, Aaron Helbing, has previous experience with Mortal Kombat Legacy, also a streaming series based on a videogame about fighting.  (yes, Dai Sato is also credited, but given the lack of schoolgirls on the cast - hooray for going with the earlier games' roster! - I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt)

Now, of course, we should all remain calm about this.  Because right now, it's just my crazy conspiracy theory.  I believe some of the pieces are real, but the connections I'm drawing could easily be nonsense.  By this time next week that IMDB entry could be gone and the Thousand Pounds guys will announce their intention to do, I don't know, an Oh! My Goddess web series or something.

...still, it's something to think about.

BITTERLY DISAPPOINTING UPDATE:  Welp, I kinda saw this coming but it looks like that KOIFT project is a hoax, or at the very least not nearly as far along as it claims; this recent interview with Amy Johnston asks about the subject and she says she's never been contacted about it, so, nuts, I guess.  :(   On the plus side she would like to be Nina one day...why isn't that happening?