Craig's Pillar of Justice: trakker

Exactly why I've become infatuated with Specialist Trakker is beyond me. Maybe it's the brilliant juxtaposition he represents; the neat hair, icy expression and sharp cheekbones give him a smart look, like an Aryan James Bond; the functional but oddly-coloured uniform looks like something from Buck Rogers or Dan Dare; so you're just about ready for a space-age British spy-cum-soldier of fortune...and then he puts a bucket on his head and wears what can best be described as a neon green helicopter backpack. It's beyond ridiculous, but in a good way. And since I've seen very little support for this guy elsewhere, here's my tribute to Trakker, in story form.

Duke: "Pit Actual, this is Duke! We're being pinned down by two oversized

funny-coloured Daleks! They already killed...uhm...what's that guy's name?"

Ripcord: "Shit son, I ain't gonna know his cracka name!"

Duke: "God, I miss the days when you were white. They killed the ginger

guy who drives the weird small tank, Actual! We need fire support and we need it NOW!"

???: "TALLY-HO, JOE!"

Duke: "The hell - ?"

Ripcord: "That's wack, homes!"

Trakker: "Not to worry, lads, Specialist Trakker is reporting for duty, ready to give

those dratted Cob-rahs a bloody good thrashing, what-what!"

Duke: "Chrissakes, I ask for reinforcements and I get this guy..."

Ripcord: "Get yo' funky ass outta here, playa!"

Duke: "Yeah, not that we don't appreciate the help, but we were kinda hoping

for something other than a spaceman with an Inspector Gadget rucksack, okay?"

Trakker: "WHAT?!"

Trakker: "I'll teach you to mock, you Yank sod!"
NUTSHOT!
Duke: "BLORG!"
Ripcord: "Sheeeyit!"

STUNNER!

Trakker: "Hmph! The General will be hearing about this little fracas, good sir!
In the meantime, just lay there and watch how a true gentleman handles
the situation!"
Duke: "Guhhh..."

Ripcord: "I'm gon' go get me some fried chicken. Whatcha wanna do about him?"
Duke: "Just...just let him go. He's got this one...god, my balls..."

Dalek Scientist: "THE HU-MANS ARE RE-TREA-TING!"
Dalek Drone: "AS EX-PEC-TED! THEY ARE A WEAK CRE-A-TION, DA-LEKS
ARE SU-PER-I-OR IN EV-E-RY WAY!"

???: "Look to the skies and tremble, villains!"
Dalek Drone: "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?"
Dalek Scientist: "SCAN-NING..."

Trakker: "It is I, Trakker! Surrender or you'll get such a thrashing you won't be able
to sit down for at least two months! Er, assuming you oddly-shaped
fellows can sit down at all."

Dalek Drone: "THIS WAS NOT A FAC-TOR IN OUR STRA-TE-GY!"
Dalek Scientist: "DON'T LOOK AT ME, STRA-TE-GY IS THE OR-ANGE GUY'S JOB."
Dalek Drone: "SUP-POSE WE'D BET-TER JUST SHOOT HIM THEN."

Dalek Drone: "EX-TER-MIN-ATE! GOD, IT MAKES ME FEEL SO HOT
WHEN-E-VER IS SAY THAT!"
*ZAPPY DALEK GUN NOISE!*
Trakker: "Uh-oh, engine failing!"

Trakker: "Oof."

Dalek Scientist: "WHAT A COM-PLETE TWAT."
Dalek Drone: "SUB-JECT'S LIFE-SIGNS STILL AC-TIVE! SEC-URE FOR
TRANS-FER TO THE CRU-CI-BLE!"
Dalek Drone: "DO WE STILL HAVE A CRU-CI-BLE? I THOUGHT THAT THING BLEW UP."
Dalek Drone: "BUG-GER, YOU'RE RIGHT. SEND HIM TO SKA-RO IN-STEAD!"
Dalek Scientist: "THAT PLACE EX-PLOD-ED TOO."
Dalek Drone: "BLOO-DY HELL! JUST SHOOT HIM SOME MORE THEN!"

Ripcord: "C'mon brah, git up! GIT UP!"

Trakker: "Go 'copter-pack!"
Dalek Drone: "AL-ERT! UN-I-DENT-I-FIED TECH-NO-LO-GY STICK-ING TO
MY FACE!"

Trakker: "Would you mind holding this for me, sir?"
Dalek Scientist: "VI-SION IM-PAIRED! VI-SION IM-PAIRED!"

Dalek Drone: "DEF-EN-SIVE SHIELDS FAIL-ING!"
Trakker: "Be a good sport and fall down now, will you?"
BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA!

BOOM!
Dalek Drone: *DEATH WAIL*

Trakker: "I learned this one off my dear girl Friday, Mrs. Peel! KIYAH!"
BONK!
Dalek Scientist: "NO! IM-PACT ON PRE-VI-OUS-LY UN-HEARD-OF
DA-LEK WEAK POINT DE-TEC-TED!"