G.I. JOE 3: Fantasy Casting

With the summer movie season having shot most of its load already, my attention is now heading onwards to the future, and the perilous promises of sequels.  While there's a lot to say about how 'sequel culture' has had a negative effect on blockbusters over the last decade-plus, and I happen to agree with a few of those issues in principle, I'm also the first person to start theorizing about where the characters of any given film will go next, often before I've even left the theater.  (maybe in a future post I'll try to explain my logic for having Matt Smith turn up as the Doctor in the next Fast & Furious movie to take Vin Gasoline and his mates down after one too many violations of the laws of space and time)  And G.I. Joe Retaliation was no exception.

That said, the amount of deck-clearing action going on in Retaliation (both from the much-publicized extermination of 90% of the Joe roster, give or take, plus the revenge-deaths taking their toll on Cobra command) has made me a lot more curious about the players for the next film rather than the actual plot.  Not that I don't think the story will matter - the joint realities of Cobra as a known evil entity in the public mind and the world's nations having been tricked into depleting their nuclear weapon stockpiles can and should open up lots of new and intriguing places for the series to go - but I often find that a Joe story (be it movie, comic or cartoon) is determined by the characters involved.  They're like Lego bricks: interchangable and capable of being constructed into any shape...but, if you wanna make a car, you still need 4 Lego wheels.  Wanna make a house?  Gonna need a door-brick.  Ditto, if your G.I. Joe story has Shipwreck and Cutter in it, there'd better be some sort of naval battle at some point, preferably involving the old W.H.A.L.E. hovercraft, because otherwise you're asking 2 sailors to be land-lubbers for the duration and...why?

That was a load of waffling, yes.  Click through for my dream casting session pick things.  THIS I COMMAND~!

Arctic Assault!

It's been snowing, so I took my Joes outside and made pretty pictures.

Snow Job:  "Weeeeeeee!"

Snow Job:  "Hell, only two bars?  There's never a mobile tower nearby when

you need one.  Let's get higher..."

Snow Job:  "Much better.  Hey, I think I see some Cobras down there. 

Better pick up my massive, overcompensatory sniper rifle and ventilate

their foreheads...crap, it's slippy up here..."

Snow Job:  "OW!  My coccyx!"

Snow Job:  "Uhh...Doc...DOC!  I need some help!"

Doc:  "And how the bejesus am I supposed to get up there?"

(Editor's note:  Why does Doc have beer cans stuck to the sides

of his helmet?  Did Hawk call him in during a Superbowl marathon?)

Doc:  "Oh, hi, Beachhead.  I didn't know you were trained for cold climates..."

Frostbite:  "I'm NOT Beachhead!  He's not the only guy in the world who can wear

a goddamn ski-mask, y'know!"

Doc:  "Well, no, but you're clearly not Firefly, so..."

Frostbite:  *sigh*

Doc:  "Um, no, Snake Eyes, I don't think shooting missiles at Snow Job is gonna

help him right now."

Snake Eyes:  "?"

Shipwreck:  "Hey, I've got an idea!"

Doc:  "Wait, YOU get snow shoes and I don't?  How is that fair?!"

Shipwreck:  "The girl in requisitions likes to stroke my beard.  Anyway..."

Shipwreck:  "I bet we could use Polly here to fly some supplies up to Snow Job!

She's a real clever bird, y'know!"

Doc:  "I'm ashamed to admit I can't think of anything better right now." 

Doc:  "Okay, let's see what's in my super-awesome medical kit.  Um...a water can, a torch,

some pliers and a slab of C4."

Shipwreck:  "That's medical stuff?"

Doc:  "I may have picked up Tripwire's backpack by mistake.  I suppose

the pliers'll have to do." 

Shipwreck:  "Fly, Polly!  FLY!"

Doc:  "That's got to be the least majestic bird I've ever seen."

Shipwreck:  "Shut your face." 

Doc:  "How long is that parrot gonna take...?"

BANG!

Shipwreck:  "What was that?" 

Doc:  "Oh...now that's what I call a dead parrot."

Shipwreck:  "POLLY?!"

Shipwreck:  "B-but...without my bird...I am LOST!"

Doc:  "Well, I'm sorry, but that parrot is no more.  It has ceased to be.

It's expired and gone to meet its maker..." 

Doc:  "It's a stiff!  Bereft of life, it rests in peace!"

Shipwreck:  "WAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Doc:  "Okay, I'll stop now." 

Doc:  "Snake Eyes, did you shoot Shipwreck's bird again?"

Snake Eyes:  *shrug*

Doc:  "Well, if you didn't, who did?"

Snow Serpent:  "HAH!  It was us!  Beware, for the Elite Cobra Arctic Non-Sniper

Sniper Squad are here to wreck your shit!"

Ice-Viper:  "Do we really have to call ourselves that?  And how come you get

snow shoes and I don't?"

Snow Serpent:  "I'm the Baroness' number-one foot masseur on my days off.

It earns me special privileges...and scars me to the pits of my soul."

Ice-Viper:  "Wow, lucky."

BONK!

Frostbite:  "HEY!  I haven't got this thing insured yet!"

Snake Eyes:  "!"

Ice Cutter Driver:  "Cry me a river, Beachhead!"

Frostbite:  "FROSTBITE!  FROST-FUCKING-BITE!"

Doc:  "How the hell didn't we hear that thing coming?" 

Destro:  "Ah, G.I. Joe!  How very 'ice' to see you!"

Doc:  "God, I preferred it when you were doing that horrible Sean Connery accent."

Shipwreck:  "He killed Polly!  Quick, Doc, shoot him with your little laser pistol!"

Doc:  "It's a flare gun.  Sorry."

Shipwreck:  "Fucking hell, if you won't do it, I'll kill him with my bare hands, and

possibly my beard!"

Doc:  "No, Anakin!  Er, Shipwreck!" 

ZAP!

Shipwreck:  "Blorg!"

Destro:  "Ha!  I think I feel another Arnie quote coming on..." 

Destro:  "We aim to...freeze.  Hehehe!" 

Storm Shadow:  "Ah!  So you yet live, my brother!  Good!  It is time we FIGHT!"

Snake Eyes:  *sigh*

Storm Shadow:  "Don't look at me like that, it's not like you've got anything

better to do." 

Storm Shadow:  "You'll notice I brought sais, brother.  Do you remember

when we were children, playing as Ninja Turtles in the halls of the Arashikage Temple?

You were always Leonardo, I was Raphael...nothing has changed, except

this time, Raphael is going to WIN!"

Snake Eyes:  "?"

Storm Shadow:  "Look, I can't help it if you're not up-to-date on our latest origin ret-cons."

Storm Shadow:  "WHAT?!  You blocked the ancient Walk Up To The Other Guy And

Stab His Face technique?!  Well, no matter - I have a thousand more silly-named

secret arts at my fingertips!"

Destro:  "Well, while those two morons sort each other out for the seventy-millionth time,

I think I should be killing you about now.  Unfortunately, my kick-arse freeze gun is only

good for one shot, so instead of a relatively painless death by cryogenics, you get to

be mangled by my enormous phallic drill."

Doc:  "Times like this I wish I had some easy way of calling in reinforcements...oh wait!" 

POOM!

Doc:  "HEELLLLLLP!" 

Destro:  "Pussy..."

 WHAM!

Destro:  "Ouch."

Doc:  "Wow!  Lucky we were carrying heavy, expensive new snowmobiles

in our big-ass transport plane overhead.  Speaking of things above,

I wonder how Snow Job's doing?"

Snow Serpent:  "Hey, check out this frying pan!  I knew looting the opposite perch

would be a good idea!"

Ice-Viper:  "Check it out - an ACTUAL sniper rifle!  Now the Non-Sniper Sniper Squad is

really a Sniper Squad!"

Snow Job:  "Dammit...if someone had just...sent up a pair of pliers...I could fix my spine...

pwn these guys..."

THE END???