With the summer movie season having shot most of its load already, my attention is now heading onwards to the future, and the perilous promises of sequels. While there's a lot to say about how 'sequel culture' has had a negative effect on blockbusters over the last decade-plus, and I happen to agree with a few of those issues in principle, I'm also the first person to start theorizing about where the characters of any given film will go next, often before I've even left the theater. (maybe in a future post I'll try to explain my logic for having Matt Smith turn up as the Doctor in the next Fast & Furious movie to take Vin Gasoline and his mates down after one too many violations of the laws of space and time) And G.I. Joe Retaliation was no exception.
That said, the amount of deck-clearing action going on in Retaliation (both from the much-publicized extermination of 90% of the Joe roster, give or take, plus the revenge-deaths taking their toll on Cobra command) has made me a lot more curious about the players for the next film rather than the actual plot. Not that I don't think the story will matter - the joint realities of Cobra as a known evil entity in the public mind and the world's nations having been tricked into depleting their nuclear weapon stockpiles can and should open up lots of new and intriguing places for the series to go - but I often find that a Joe story (be it movie, comic or cartoon) is determined by the characters involved. They're like Lego bricks: interchangable and capable of being constructed into any shape...but, if you wanna make a car, you still need 4 Lego wheels. Wanna make a house? Gonna need a door-brick. Ditto, if your G.I. Joe story has Shipwreck and Cutter in it, there'd better be some sort of naval battle at some point, preferably involving the old W.H.A.L.E. hovercraft, because otherwise you're asking 2 sailors to be land-lubbers for the duration and...why?
That was a load of waffling, yes. Click through for my dream casting session pick things. THIS I COMMAND~!
Level 1: The Established
Given the success of Retaliation and the fact that Paramount had no issue with signing Jon Chu up to direct the next one as well, it's a safe bet that we're not getting another semi-reboot scenario and will start with the surviving core cast members, they being:
- Roadblock - Dwayne Johnson
- Lady Jaye - Adrianne Palicki
- Flint - DJ Cotrona
- Snake Eyes - Ray Park
- Jinx - Elodie Yung
- Storm Shadow - Byung-Hun Lee
- Joe Colton - Bruce Willis (maybe - he was a neat casting coup and a fun character, but unless they choose to make him more of a supreme commander type as in Fred Van Lente's current Joe comics, I don't know where else they can go with Joe)
- Cobra Commander - Luke Bracey (possibility of re-casting obvious, as it's not a role dependent on a 'star' and has no visible face, but I liked Bracey's swagger and would keep him if it was up to me)
- Blind Master - The RZA (maybe - same deal as Colton)
Huh...that's actually more than I thought. It is, however, weighed very heavily towards the Joes, especially given Storm Shadow's defection in Retaliation's third act.
Aside from those, there's also the lingering matter of Rise of Cobra's remaining cast members. Obviously, Channing Tatum's Duke bought it pretty definitively in Retaliation along with Mouse, Grunt and a whole mess of other unnamed Joes, but we never saw bodies of Duke's old running buddies. The remaining Rise of Cobra survivors are as follows:
- Ripcord - Marlon Wayans (chances of return slim - not a terribly popular spin on the classic character of the same name, although personally I thought Wayans made it work. That said, his humour might be a touch too goofy for a Retaliation sequel.)
- General Hawk - Dennis Quaid (chances of return slim - function within unit might seem confused by the presence of Joe Colton. That said, I mark out for Hawk and thought Quaid was spot-on casting.)
- Scarlett - Rachel Nichols (chances of return fair - when interviewed at this year's San Diego Comic-Con, Jon Chu brought up Scarlett as a character he'd like to look at more deeply in future. Whether or not Nichols keeps the role is another matter, but again, I think she was a smart pick, even if she gets stuck with some very odd character beats in Rise of Cobra. Ditch the haphazard attempts to make her almost 'Spock-like', and just let Nichols project the same sense of inner steel with beats of comforting humour she's currently rocking on TV's 'Continuum'.)
- Heavy Duty - Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (chances of return middling - H.D. in the toyline and other mediums was designed as a replacement for Roadblock, a position he held for many years until the 25th Anniversary figs made the fanbase fall back in favour with the old crowd. So on that level, having H.D. back when Roadblock is front and center seems silly...however, H.D. in Rise of Cobra didn't feel like Roadblock in Retaliation, and could be adapted into a different role - like, say, a drill instructor, which he already kinda was when he put Duke and Ripcord through their paces.)
- Breaker - Saïd Taghmaoui (chances of return middling - nobody really took over Breaker's position as 'team tech guy' in Retaliation; Lady Jaye uses computer-whiz skills at one point to raise suspicion of Zartan but, perhaps due to the team's limited resources, there's never really a moment that demands for her to stick four-inch spikes in a dead guy's head then download his memories onto a laptop, for example. I'm pretty keen on the Joes always having a tech specialist around, and why not Breaker?)
- James McCullen Destro XXIV - Christopher Eccleston (chances of return fair - G.I. Joe in any form can't go long without Destro making his presence known. It'd be easy enough to handwave an escape from the Einsargen facility for a man as smart and cunning as he, and there's plenty of dramatic potential to be wrung from Destro now existing as a third party in this war, splintered from Cobra but never really the Joes' friend either. Apparently his absence in Retaliation was partly down to budget issues, with the cost of doing full mo-capped CGI for his animated beryllium steel mask deemed prohibitive, but I'd like to believe they'd have that sorted out for the next one. Failing that, just have him wear a solid, practical mask that doesn't move but looks nice, and let the eyes do the talking.)
- Baroness - Sienna Miller (chances of return slim - even before Retaliation's cast was locked down, Miller was saying in interviews she wasn't returning. That may have simply been because the studio types told her in advance that the Baroness wasn't in the script, but the way she said it implied she had no real desire to return even if the option was there. I did like Miller's performance in Rise of Cobra, though I share the same complaints as many others with regard to the brainwashing angle, a rather absurd simplification of the comic character's mercurial loyalties. Of course, Retaliation's screenwriters Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have said that the Baroness is someone they're very keen on re-establishing in future...which is why we'll come back to her later.)
- Dr. Mindbender - Kevin J. O'Connor (chances of return slim - actually, I fully expect to see Mindbender in a future Joe film. He's Cobra's most recognised mad scientist, and the odds of any writer choosing, say, Dr. Venom over him are pretty remote. That said, I don't expect to see O'Connor - who landed the role in no small part due to being big pals with Rise of Cobra director Stephen Sommers - return, nor do I expect any acknowledgement of the character's brief but important appearance in the first film.)
That's about where we're at. As for the future, well, I have...ideas!
Level 2: Fighting for Freedom wherever there's trouble (the Joes)
Wild Bill - Woody Harrelson
Woody Harrelson is not an exact 1:1 match for how Bill looks in any given Joe series. For one thing, I'm pretty sure Bill has hair under his hat. But there's just something about that voice of his, and the kind of easy-going charm he brings to most of his roles, that feels right for Bill. Given that most of the character's screentime would be spent sitting down in a 'copter seat talking through a radio, he needs to be able to project a lot of personality through minor mannerisms and speech, and Harrelson can do that, easily. Plus, with stuff like Hunger Games and Now You See Me under his belt, it seems to be becoming fashionable to put him in big movies again, which I am all in favour of. Let's just hope he's willing to grow some facial fuzz.
Doc - David Oyelowo
It's a little insane to me that a combat medic isn't a necessary addition to every Joe team, although I suppose in the cartoon (where A-Team logic applies and everyone tries to shoot around each other) it'd be wasteful. Nevertheless, after their heavy losses in Retaliation, I'm sure the Joes would see the wisdom in bringing a sawbones along with 'em, and Doc is the first of the unit's weirdly limited supply of medics so he gets first draft pick in my mind. Sorry, Lifeline.
Doc was kind of a goof in the original comics run, but Max Brooks' 'Hearts & Minds' miniseries gave a great look at the kind of varied duties he'd have to perform, not to mention the stresses it would put on him. With that as the inspiration, I'm going with Mr. Oyelowo here, a damn good classical actor who always brings a very tangible sense of intelligence to his roles. And I've been wanting to see more of him throwing down with a gun since Jack Reacher. (yeah, I know, Geneva Convention says medical types can't carry firearms blah blah blah, it's G.I. Joe, I don't really care)
Doc was kind of a goof in the original comics run, but Max Brooks' 'Hearts & Minds' miniseries gave a great look at the kind of varied duties he'd have to perform, not to mention the stresses it would put on him. With that as the inspiration, I'm going with Mr. Oyelowo here, a damn good classical actor who always brings a very tangible sense of intelligence to his roles. And I've been wanting to see more of him throwing down with a gun since Jack Reacher. (yeah, I know, Geneva Convention says medical types can't carry firearms blah blah blah, it's G.I. Joe, I don't really care)
Chuckles - Jensen Ackles
If your Joe knowledge only extends to the cartoon, you don't know Chuckles. Oh sure, he was in the show, but for whatever reason he was a mute musclebound lunkhead who didn't really do anything that Roadblock, Sgt. Slaughter or any other big punchy bloke could've done just as well. The comics, thankfully, have told a different story. Larry Hama quickly established Chuckles as an Army Intelligence agent who played fast and loose with the rules but held himself and others to an unbending moral code; more recently, Mike Costa and Christos Gage used him as the initial protagonist of their bloody amazing Cobra series, which took Chuckles deep into enemy territory and showed exactly how far a man has to fall into the dark recesses of his soul while doing undercover spy work.
I'm not exactly sure why I can't get the idea of Mr. Ackles as Chuckles out of my head. Partly, it's because he has the right sort of look for it; handsome but with a certain sullen snark to him, so you know you're dealing with the sort of complete bastard who'll leave you high and dry in a dingy motel with no wallet the next morning. (...I wasn't actually thinking that, shut up) More to the point, his voice carries the right mix of quick wit and lackadaisical charm to pull off the gallows' humour that is Chuckles' signature. And before you ask, yes, of course he has to wear the Hawaiian shirt. I don't care what justification they need to make for it - hell, I don't care if there is a justification. It just needs to happen.
I'm not exactly sure why I can't get the idea of Mr. Ackles as Chuckles out of my head. Partly, it's because he has the right sort of look for it; handsome but with a certain sullen snark to him, so you know you're dealing with the sort of complete bastard who'll leave you high and dry in a dingy motel with no wallet the next morning. (...I wasn't actually thinking that, shut up) More to the point, his voice carries the right mix of quick wit and lackadaisical charm to pull off the gallows' humour that is Chuckles' signature. And before you ask, yes, of course he has to wear the Hawaiian shirt. I don't care what justification they need to make for it - hell, I don't care if there is a justification. It just needs to happen.
Airtight - Charlie Day
Airtight is one of those ludicrously-specific-purpose Joes I love; he's the unit's anti-CBR guy, always seen sporting a combat-modded yellow hazmat suit with breath-filtering helmet and some sort of crazy piped weapon that shoots neutralizing foam or somesuch. Admittedly, this does mean he's not the type to just be thrown into any old story willy-nilly, but if Cobra have decided to play dirty with the chemical weapons he's your only hope (and why would Cobra not play dirty, really).
Even from his first comic appearance, Airtight was described as a 'pencil-neck geek' by other Joes, being the kind of guy who collects scorpions as a hobby and, y'know, can count above 30 without using a calculator, probably. There's no shortage of nerdy-looking actors in Hollywood these days, just like there's no shortage of nerdy film franchises, but my vote goes to Charlie Day based on his turn in Pacific Rim. Yeah, he had the glasses and the needless shirt/tie combo you'd expect from a 'geek', but what Day brought to the role - and what thus made the character really click - was an unbridled enthusiasm, the kind of collectors' mania that is common amongst all corners of the nerd spectrum. And that's key to Airtight - he might not seem like a born soldier in any sense, but he loves his job dearly.
Even from his first comic appearance, Airtight was described as a 'pencil-neck geek' by other Joes, being the kind of guy who collects scorpions as a hobby and, y'know, can count above 30 without using a calculator, probably. There's no shortage of nerdy-looking actors in Hollywood these days, just like there's no shortage of nerdy film franchises, but my vote goes to Charlie Day based on his turn in Pacific Rim. Yeah, he had the glasses and the needless shirt/tie combo you'd expect from a 'geek', but what Day brought to the role - and what thus made the character really click - was an unbridled enthusiasm, the kind of collectors' mania that is common amongst all corners of the nerd spectrum. And that's key to Airtight - he might not seem like a born soldier in any sense, but he loves his job dearly.
Cover Girl - Tricia Helfer
Before you ask, yes, I do know that Karolina Kurkova ostensibly played Courtney 'Cover Girl' Krieger in The Rise of Cobra. However, that film's Cover Girl was unfortunately a glorified secretary instead of the tank commander/heavy machine-gunner of the comics. Besides, she died at the hand of Zartan and her codename was never acknowledged verbally, and sadly, though the female characters of the Joe mythos are capable and well-written, there still aren't as many as there should be, so we shouldn't just ditch one out of hand if it can be helped.
Also, it's an excuse to cast Tricia Helfer, which is something that I'd personally prefer every film on the planet to do. Tricia, of course, started out as a model, which is exactly how Cover Girl got her codename, so there's a bit of art imitating life here, but even without that she'd be perfect purely based on her talent, her poise and her voice. Ms. Helfer is the kind of actress who can get across a lot of feelings and meanings with just her facial expressions and eyes, something that lets her make a mark amidst a strong ensemble cast without totally stealing other peoples' thunder; she's tall and slender but still appears strong enough to tote a rifle with the best of 'em; and she has a very clear cadence and commanding tone to her voice that would sound fantastic yelling orders over the clanking of treads and the hiss-WHOOOOSH-ing of the Wolverine missile tank's payload. Just give her a bomber jacket already.
Also, it's an excuse to cast Tricia Helfer, which is something that I'd personally prefer every film on the planet to do. Tricia, of course, started out as a model, which is exactly how Cover Girl got her codename, so there's a bit of art imitating life here, but even without that she'd be perfect purely based on her talent, her poise and her voice. Ms. Helfer is the kind of actress who can get across a lot of feelings and meanings with just her facial expressions and eyes, something that lets her make a mark amidst a strong ensemble cast without totally stealing other peoples' thunder; she's tall and slender but still appears strong enough to tote a rifle with the best of 'em; and she has a very clear cadence and commanding tone to her voice that would sound fantastic yelling orders over the clanking of treads and the hiss-WHOOOOSH-ing of the Wolverine missile tank's payload. Just give her a bomber jacket already.
Tunnel Rat - Kenneth Choi
Nicky Lee a.k.a Tunnel Rat started life as an in-joke but, like most Joe characters, grew into something much bigger. The toy was designed to be a tribute to comics writer/storymaster Larry Hama, with a passable facial resemblance and the same basic 'job' that Hama had during his own service days. Funnily enough, T.R. wound up making quite a lot of appearances in the comics (though in fairness, he wasn't nearly as obnoxiously pushed as he could've been and wasn't made to look like a Mary Sue) and, years later, nostalgia for the character is strong enough to make him a regular in IDW's comics and a core cast member for the most recent Joe animated series, Renegades. It also helps that the Joes never really acquired another bomb-maker/vertically challenged sewer connoisseur in the intervening years, so nobody's vying to steal Tunnel Rat's job the way, say, Torpedo has to squabble with Wet-Suit and sometimes Deep Six over who gets to be the resident scuba guy.
Casting-wise, this one stumped me for a little while, but then the other night I was rewatching Captain America: The First Avenger and got to the (awesome) battle montage with Cap and the Howling Commandos. Now, saying the H-Cs are comparable to Joes is screamingly obvious, but while most are only similar in broad strokes, Jim Morita, played of course by Kenneth Choi, IS Tunnel Rat. Like, exactly how I'd imagine a live-action Tunnel Rat to be. He's a shortish Asian army vet who always looks a little worn-down, and is very vocally proud of his American citizenship, and talks in a localized drawl. Add to that he's a funny presence but never invites the audience to laugh at him rather than with him and you've got a winner.
Casting-wise, this one stumped me for a little while, but then the other night I was rewatching Captain America: The First Avenger and got to the (awesome) battle montage with Cap and the Howling Commandos. Now, saying the H-Cs are comparable to Joes is screamingly obvious, but while most are only similar in broad strokes, Jim Morita, played of course by Kenneth Choi, IS Tunnel Rat. Like, exactly how I'd imagine a live-action Tunnel Rat to be. He's a shortish Asian army vet who always looks a little worn-down, and is very vocally proud of his American citizenship, and talks in a localized drawl. Add to that he's a funny presence but never invites the audience to laugh at him rather than with him and you've got a winner.
Level 3: Armies of the night, Evil taking flight (Cobra operatives)
Baroness - Antje Traue
Oh look, Craig's bringing his mad obsessions into this exercise again...but I still think this is a solid pick. As mentioned earlier, the Baroness is seemingly due for a comeback in Joe 3, and even if the writers hadn't said as much I'd be betting heavily on it; she's one of the series' biggest names and has grown into a pop-culture icon in her own right. That said, she needs to be re-established for these films as a villain, and needs a facelift.
Right now I can't think of anyone else doing this part besides Antje Traue. She's got the necessarily sexy figure to pull off the black leathers and a face that's both beautiful and completely distinct from virtually anyone else in mainstream Hollywood right now. Her accent is to die for and suits both the character's sketchily-European origins and her cold cruelty. And lest we forget, she was astounding in Man of Steel, especially given how much of her character's import was down to her projecting a strong, menacing presence purely by body language. If the Baroness is to work the way she ought to, she should be able to share screentime with Dwayne Johnson's Roadblock and be able to convince the audience that he's the one in trouble. Traue could pull that off better than anyone. And she's capable and willing to put herself through intensive training for a more physical role. There is no downside here.
Right now I can't think of anyone else doing this part besides Antje Traue. She's got the necessarily sexy figure to pull off the black leathers and a face that's both beautiful and completely distinct from virtually anyone else in mainstream Hollywood right now. Her accent is to die for and suits both the character's sketchily-European origins and her cold cruelty. And lest we forget, she was astounding in Man of Steel, especially given how much of her character's import was down to her projecting a strong, menacing presence purely by body language. If the Baroness is to work the way she ought to, she should be able to share screentime with Dwayne Johnson's Roadblock and be able to convince the audience that he's the one in trouble. Traue could pull that off better than anyone. And she's capable and willing to put herself through intensive training for a more physical role. There is no downside here.
Serpentor - Rodrigo Santoro
Serpentor is the nuts, to put it mildly. The next step up in the Cobra hierarchy from the Commander, he's an artificial human created from stem-cell DNA extracted from the buried remains of history's greatest generals and conquerors; Genghis Khan, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, etc. In the cartoons, this didn't really work out so well, resulting in a blustering, arrogant nutter who wasn't really any smarter than Cobra Commander but made up for it by being angry and scary enough that no-one would call him on his crap; in the comics, Serpentor was every bit as cunning and effective as hoped, but his efforts to achieve Cobra victory were hamstrung by the simple fact that he couldn't rely on the rest of the Cobra inner circle to behave and do as they were told. And in both cases, he dresses like a scary snake man and wears a cape because he's Serpentor and that's just how he rolls.
Honestly, I've had a major pain trying to cast this role. Serpentor will no doubt show up in a Joe movie sooner rather than later - there's enough of a nostalgic fondness for the guy amongst 80s kids and he's a logical 'step up' on the threat index from Cobra Commander. But there aren't a lot of actors who fit all the demands of the role: they have to be built like a god (Serpy always has been), they have to project menace mixed with a kind of magnetic, booming charisma (he's the sum total of history's greatest leaders, so he should be able to inspire armies to die in his name with a few mere words), and not to be too on-the-nose but he shouldn't be Caucasian. Almost all of Serpentor's components were of non-white ethnicity so it wouldn't make much sense for him to be white, would it? Anyway, after much hemming and haw-ing, I've gone with Santoro based 99% on his performance as King Xerxes in 300 (not a great film, but he's very good in it). Whether Santoro would want to do another big bad of similar caliber and ludicrous dress sense as Xerxes after playing that guy twice is another matter, but I'm sure he could pull it off.
Honestly, I've had a major pain trying to cast this role. Serpentor will no doubt show up in a Joe movie sooner rather than later - there's enough of a nostalgic fondness for the guy amongst 80s kids and he's a logical 'step up' on the threat index from Cobra Commander. But there aren't a lot of actors who fit all the demands of the role: they have to be built like a god (Serpy always has been), they have to project menace mixed with a kind of magnetic, booming charisma (he's the sum total of history's greatest leaders, so he should be able to inspire armies to die in his name with a few mere words), and not to be too on-the-nose but he shouldn't be Caucasian. Almost all of Serpentor's components were of non-white ethnicity so it wouldn't make much sense for him to be white, would it? Anyway, after much hemming and haw-ing, I've gone with Santoro based 99% on his performance as King Xerxes in 300 (not a great film, but he's very good in it). Whether Santoro would want to do another big bad of similar caliber and ludicrous dress sense as Xerxes after playing that guy twice is another matter, but I'm sure he could pull it off.
Major Bludd - Manu Bennett
Major Sebastian Bludd was, I think, the earliest 'specialist' in the Cobra ranks, appearing in the toyline in 1982 and standing out amidst the Commander and the many Troopers simply by virtue of not wearing blue. An Australian mercenary with a robot-looking right arm and a penchant for poor poetry, Bludd suffered a little by not having an immediately obvious role in the organisation, which resulted in him disappearing from the comics and cartoons when Cobra's ranks started to get filled up over the next few years. That said, he's proven popular enough to keep being brought back in more modern incarnations of the series, and he's another character who's taken on a new lease of life through IDW's comics, which have brought focus on his two warring sides as a ruthless business-minded soldier of fortune/drug kingpin and as a loving husband and father. After the focus on Roadblock's kids in Retaliation, swapping things around and showing how the same rules apply to the other team would be a really interesting trick for the next movie.
It's probably just for the sake of dorky accuracy, but I'd like to preserve Bludd's accent, or some variation of it, here; that plus the need for him to look like a bit of a bastard who isn't afraid of getting his hands bloody led me to Manu Bennett, best known right now for playing Slade 'Don't Call Me Deathstroke' Wilson on TV's Arrow. Bennett isn't the biggest guy in the world, but one look at him and you know he'd kick your ass up between your shoulderblades and never ever apologise for it. That aside, he's talented enough to be capable of switching gears and playing up a more sympathetic side at the drop of a coin.
Dr. Mindbender - Udo Kier
Laughable name and laughable outfit aside, Dr. Mindbender occupies the fairly important task of being Cobra's chief science guy, responsible for the B.A.T. robots, maintaining the Brainwave Scanner and cooking up whatever the doomsday device of the week was on any given cartoon episode. That's generally where his value lies, as a plot handwave; whenever Cobra bust out some new, crazy tech, you could waste valuable time explaining where it came from, or you could just go "oh, Mindbender made it" and leave it at that, and the audience will accept it if they believe this guy is as smart and crazy as his name implies. He's also a potential weak link in Cobra command, as he's a coward at heart who will always do what's best for his own skin rather than following orders slavishly.
Trying to find an actor with Mindbender's stupid accent and Iron Sheik 'stache was a fruitless search, so I thought more about who could take this character and make him creepy, and make you believe in him without getting shot of all the silly elements that, really, are the main reason anyone remembers Mindbender. Udo Kier eventually came to mind (har har) and that seems just about perfect. He's a bloody terrifying presence in just about anything, and his resumé is so long and varied that he'll doubtless accept just about any level of necessary insanity that comes with a part (he was in Iron Sky, for god's sake, and that whole film was about MOON NAZIS) (it was also brilliant). For further proof, note the pic of him I chose, from the cutscenes of Command & Conquer Red Alert 2, wherein Kier is bald and sports a forehead tattoo AND a plate of metal bolted onto his skull. Do I need to say more?
It's probably just for the sake of dorky accuracy, but I'd like to preserve Bludd's accent, or some variation of it, here; that plus the need for him to look like a bit of a bastard who isn't afraid of getting his hands bloody led me to Manu Bennett, best known right now for playing Slade 'Don't Call Me Deathstroke' Wilson on TV's Arrow. Bennett isn't the biggest guy in the world, but one look at him and you know he'd kick your ass up between your shoulderblades and never ever apologise for it. That aside, he's talented enough to be capable of switching gears and playing up a more sympathetic side at the drop of a coin.
Dr. Mindbender - Udo Kier
Trying to find an actor with Mindbender's stupid accent and Iron Sheik 'stache was a fruitless search, so I thought more about who could take this character and make him creepy, and make you believe in him without getting shot of all the silly elements that, really, are the main reason anyone remembers Mindbender. Udo Kier eventually came to mind (har har) and that seems just about perfect. He's a bloody terrifying presence in just about anything, and his resumé is so long and varied that he'll doubtless accept just about any level of necessary insanity that comes with a part (he was in Iron Sky, for god's sake, and that whole film was about MOON NAZIS) (it was also brilliant). For further proof, note the pic of him I chose, from the cutscenes of Command & Conquer Red Alert 2, wherein Kier is bald and sports a forehead tattoo AND a plate of metal bolted onto his skull. Do I need to say more?
Scrap-Iron - James Badge Dale
Firefly was one of my favourite parts of Retaliation (and surprise, he's one of my favourite Cobra types overall too), but the odds of him making a return are...not great. So if Cobra Commander is in need of "making things go boom" again, he's gonna have to look elsewhere - which brings us to Scrap-Iron. While Firefly was originally a saboteur and Scrap was an anti-armour specialist, in movie terms both those jobs equate roughly to 'exploding stuff' so they're kind of interchangable, with the only real differences being appearance and personality. Scrap-Iron's outfit isn't one of the truly iconic looks of Joe mythology, but he does have a snazzy helmet and distinctive facial scarring that should be carried over. As for his personality, think of him as an over-analyzing neurotic Rain Man kind of weirdo who approaches the art of bomb-planting with the meticulousness of a heart surgeon.
After consulting IMDB, I've noticed that James Badge Dale has been in a lot more projects recently than I'd noticed (I'd only picked up on his performance in Iron Man 3) so trying to cast him as another sub-villain/henchman might be tricky if he (or his agent...) feels like he's above that now. That said, he's great at taking relatively minor parts like this and giving them extra life, and he can be a magnificent bastard if you let him. And yes, Scrap-Iron should absolutely be a bastard. His lasting legacy from the old comics was blowing up a fat ninja pensioner and a civilian lady with a rocket launcher, then shooting another rocket at them just to be sure. Bastard.
After consulting IMDB, I've noticed that James Badge Dale has been in a lot more projects recently than I'd noticed (I'd only picked up on his performance in Iron Man 3) so trying to cast him as another sub-villain/henchman might be tricky if he (or his agent...) feels like he's above that now. That said, he's great at taking relatively minor parts like this and giving them extra life, and he can be a magnificent bastard if you let him. And yes, Scrap-Iron should absolutely be a bastard. His lasting legacy from the old comics was blowing up a fat ninja pensioner and a civilian lady with a rocket launcher, then shooting another rocket at them just to be sure. Bastard.
Crystal Ball - John Glover
Being honest here, I do not expect to see Crystal Ball, Cobra's resident precogniscist/gypsy fortune-teller, in a G.I. Joe movie. Like, ever. He's been very underexposed in most forms of Joe fiction, coming from the days when both the original cartoon and comic runs had ended, and his design was...basically, imagine Kraven the Hunter with a Captain America shield that has swirly hypnotic lines on it. Fairly ridiculous. That said, he's another character that was dredged up and transformed by the Costa/Fuso Cobra series, turning him into a creepy telepathic 'inquisitor' deployed by Cobra's high command seemingly to keep everyone else honest. Maybe not an essential part, but an interesting one.
And frankly, as soon as I saw the new-look Crystal Ball, I couldn't get the John Glover connection out of my mind. He has basically the exact same look for much of his time on Smallville. Aside from that, Glover is a fantastic talent who's basically fearless when it comes to playing a part broadly, always knowing exactly how far you can go, how much scenery you can chew, without breaking the tone of the greater product. And Crystal Ball is a nutty enough character that this sort of approach would be the best option.
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And frankly, as soon as I saw the new-look Crystal Ball, I couldn't get the John Glover connection out of my mind. He has basically the exact same look for much of his time on Smallville. Aside from that, Glover is a fantastic talent who's basically fearless when it comes to playing a part broadly, always knowing exactly how far you can go, how much scenery you can chew, without breaking the tone of the greater product. And Crystal Ball is a nutty enough character that this sort of approach would be the best option.
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Note: These picks are purely the opinion of the author of this blog and do not represent the views of Paramount Pictures or any associated persons. Or anyone else. Ever.
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