Arctic Assault!

It's been snowing, so I took my Joes outside and made pretty pictures.

Snow Job:  "Weeeeeeee!"

Snow Job:  "Hell, only two bars?  There's never a mobile tower nearby when

you need one.  Let's get higher..."

Snow Job:  "Much better.  Hey, I think I see some Cobras down there. 

Better pick up my massive, overcompensatory sniper rifle and ventilate

their foreheads...crap, it's slippy up here..."

Snow Job:  "OW!  My coccyx!"

Snow Job:  "Uhh...Doc...DOC!  I need some help!"

Doc:  "And how the bejesus am I supposed to get up there?"

(Editor's note:  Why does Doc have beer cans stuck to the sides

of his helmet?  Did Hawk call him in during a Superbowl marathon?)

Doc:  "Oh, hi, Beachhead.  I didn't know you were trained for cold climates..."

Frostbite:  "I'm NOT Beachhead!  He's not the only guy in the world who can wear

a goddamn ski-mask, y'know!"

Doc:  "Well, no, but you're clearly not Firefly, so..."

Frostbite:  *sigh*

Doc:  "Um, no, Snake Eyes, I don't think shooting missiles at Snow Job is gonna

help him right now."

Snake Eyes:  "?"

Shipwreck:  "Hey, I've got an idea!"

Doc:  "Wait, YOU get snow shoes and I don't?  How is that fair?!"

Shipwreck:  "The girl in requisitions likes to stroke my beard.  Anyway..."

Shipwreck:  "I bet we could use Polly here to fly some supplies up to Snow Job!

She's a real clever bird, y'know!"

Doc:  "I'm ashamed to admit I can't think of anything better right now." 

Doc:  "Okay, let's see what's in my super-awesome medical kit.  Um...a water can, a torch,

some pliers and a slab of C4."

Shipwreck:  "That's medical stuff?"

Doc:  "I may have picked up Tripwire's backpack by mistake.  I suppose

the pliers'll have to do." 

Shipwreck:  "Fly, Polly!  FLY!"

Doc:  "That's got to be the least majestic bird I've ever seen."

Shipwreck:  "Shut your face." 

Doc:  "How long is that parrot gonna take...?"

BANG!

Shipwreck:  "What was that?" 

Doc:  "Oh...now that's what I call a dead parrot."

Shipwreck:  "POLLY?!"

Shipwreck:  "B-but...without my bird...I am LOST!"

Doc:  "Well, I'm sorry, but that parrot is no more.  It has ceased to be.

It's expired and gone to meet its maker..." 

Doc:  "It's a stiff!  Bereft of life, it rests in peace!"

Shipwreck:  "WAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Doc:  "Okay, I'll stop now." 

Doc:  "Snake Eyes, did you shoot Shipwreck's bird again?"

Snake Eyes:  *shrug*

Doc:  "Well, if you didn't, who did?"

Snow Serpent:  "HAH!  It was us!  Beware, for the Elite Cobra Arctic Non-Sniper

Sniper Squad are here to wreck your shit!"

Ice-Viper:  "Do we really have to call ourselves that?  And how come you get

snow shoes and I don't?"

Snow Serpent:  "I'm the Baroness' number-one foot masseur on my days off.

It earns me special privileges...and scars me to the pits of my soul."

Ice-Viper:  "Wow, lucky."

BONK!

Frostbite:  "HEY!  I haven't got this thing insured yet!"

Snake Eyes:  "!"

Ice Cutter Driver:  "Cry me a river, Beachhead!"

Frostbite:  "FROSTBITE!  FROST-FUCKING-BITE!"

Doc:  "How the hell didn't we hear that thing coming?" 

Destro:  "Ah, G.I. Joe!  How very 'ice' to see you!"

Doc:  "God, I preferred it when you were doing that horrible Sean Connery accent."

Shipwreck:  "He killed Polly!  Quick, Doc, shoot him with your little laser pistol!"

Doc:  "It's a flare gun.  Sorry."

Shipwreck:  "Fucking hell, if you won't do it, I'll kill him with my bare hands, and

possibly my beard!"

Doc:  "No, Anakin!  Er, Shipwreck!" 

ZAP!

Shipwreck:  "Blorg!"

Destro:  "Ha!  I think I feel another Arnie quote coming on..." 

Destro:  "We aim to...freeze.  Hehehe!" 

Storm Shadow:  "Ah!  So you yet live, my brother!  Good!  It is time we FIGHT!"

Snake Eyes:  *sigh*

Storm Shadow:  "Don't look at me like that, it's not like you've got anything

better to do." 

Storm Shadow:  "You'll notice I brought sais, brother.  Do you remember

when we were children, playing as Ninja Turtles in the halls of the Arashikage Temple?

You were always Leonardo, I was Raphael...nothing has changed, except

this time, Raphael is going to WIN!"

Snake Eyes:  "?"

Storm Shadow:  "Look, I can't help it if you're not up-to-date on our latest origin ret-cons."

Storm Shadow:  "WHAT?!  You blocked the ancient Walk Up To The Other Guy And

Stab His Face technique?!  Well, no matter - I have a thousand more silly-named

secret arts at my fingertips!"

Destro:  "Well, while those two morons sort each other out for the seventy-millionth time,

I think I should be killing you about now.  Unfortunately, my kick-arse freeze gun is only

good for one shot, so instead of a relatively painless death by cryogenics, you get to

be mangled by my enormous phallic drill."

Doc:  "Times like this I wish I had some easy way of calling in reinforcements...oh wait!" 

POOM!

Doc:  "HEELLLLLLP!" 

Destro:  "Pussy..."

 WHAM!

Destro:  "Ouch."

Doc:  "Wow!  Lucky we were carrying heavy, expensive new snowmobiles

in our big-ass transport plane overhead.  Speaking of things above,

I wonder how Snow Job's doing?"

Snow Serpent:  "Hey, check out this frying pan!  I knew looting the opposite perch

would be a good idea!"

Ice-Viper:  "Check it out - an ACTUAL sniper rifle!  Now the Non-Sniper Sniper Squad is

really a Sniper Squad!"

Snow Job:  "Dammit...if someone had just...sent up a pair of pliers...I could fix my spine...

pwn these guys..."

THE END???

Now Playing - 'Doctor Who: Return to Earth'

What could possibly go wrong, eh?

The news that Nintendo had brokered an exclusivity deal with the BBC to publish games based on Doctor Who was met with cautious optimism around Chez Craig.  God knows the BBC haven't had the greatest track record with converting their properties into games in the past, as the myriad tiresome Robot Wars titles on PS2 will attest, but since the PC-only downloadable 'adventure games' turned out remarkably well, and given the show's status as one of the Beeb's most successful cash cows, I had some faith they'd find a good developer and give them the time and support they needed to come up with something truly special.

But, hey, I've been wrong before...

The game doesn't exactly start off on the right foot, as clicking on the disc channel on the Wii's front end brings up a static, low-res logo and plays the show's theme tune...from series 3.  Y'know, with David Tennant and Martha and RTD as head writer.  As opposed to what we have now.  D'oh.

So, upon starting up the game proper (and being greeted by the current theme tune), we're thrown face-first into the plot by a cutscene - mostly created by static artwork shunted around the screen, motion comic-style.  Cheap, but cheerful, I suppose.  Matt Smith and Karen Gillan sound enthused on vocal duties, even if the script ain't the greatest, and hey, we're on a spaceship!  Maybe I'm still suffering from the after-effects of RTD's "domestic life is so fantastic" mentality, but seeing a Who story set nowhere near Earth - and especially modern-day Earth - immediately gets my recommendation.  Anyway, the Tardis lands on the outer hull of the ship, presumably 'cause the Doctor's forgotten how to park it properly again, and Amy gets sent out (in a rather cool spacesuit) to open the loading dock hatch.  Let's play!

...Wish I hadn't said that.  Forcing poor miss Pond to scarper across to a control panel whilst dodging a hailstorm of meteorites and keeping one eye on her O2 meter sounds really exciting on paper, but Amy responds to commands sluggishly, like there's a layer of cotton wool between controller and game, and the collision detection is spotty as hell; I counted four instances when Amy took damage by treading on a spot where a meterorite either had landed a few seconds earlier (and then disappeared without trace) or where one was planning to land ten seconds later.  Oh, so these lumps of spinning cosmic rock are both heavily radioactive and plot their descent patterns with the aid of potentially-lethal landing markers?  Why didn't the Doctor warn me about that?

Either way, I managed to make it indoors, only to be confronted by an even more terrifying menace...

OH GOD!  That's the most horrible alien I've ever seen!

And why has it stolen Amy's clothes?!  Wait...

Yeah, that's what Asylum Entertainment, the developers, think Amy Pond should/does look like.  Quite why anyone would want to butcher this gorgeous face so badly is beyond my understanding - and, alas, the game continues to fall, to the point where even this can't be called the crowning horror.

Now on board the ship, I'm greeted by an unconvincing set design, all steel-grille flooring and minimal lighting to make the place look bigger than it is.  Classically Doctor Who, then, but probably for the wrong reasons.  Amy picks up some sort of gun - I mean, it's not a gun, because this is Doctor Who and all that, but, y'know, it shoots stuff - and a red crystal, guarded by a shy robot with a Mockney accent, which when launched at a nearby fire somehow puts it out.  The Wii Remote aiming is...satisfactory, at least; there's no lag between the motion of your wrist and the pointer on screen.  Before I can pass through into the next room, I have to complete a minigame, similar to those 'roll the ball through the maze' games you find in lucky bags.  Luckily, the Remote's motions are used to direct a pointer and freeze damaging barriers in place rather than actually steer the ball, which is the sort of thing that usually makes me vomit.

The perspective shifts at this point to the Doctor, who's managed to get aboard successfully even after the Tardis was knocked off into space, something which doesn't seem to concern him all that much as he wanders into a deserted cafeteria.  After gathering crystals from another shy robot, and grumbling darkly upon realising that even the Doctor himself is expected to shoot things to progress, the first real enemy rolls onto the scene, a rogue Maintenance Droid, resembling a motorised lawnmower with an LCD face, which generates the funniest exchange so far:

The Doctor:  "Ah, a handy Maintenance Droid!  Just the sort of thing I need right now.  I wonder if you could help me - "

Droid:  "Die."

The Doctor:  "...help me die.  What?"

Droid:  "You will die.  You will die.  You will die."

The Doctor:  "Okay, I take it back, you're not handy at all."

LOL.

Extinguishing another fire, I run into the next room, and find myself locked in a kitchen with a fancy elevator system and another killer Droid, not to mention more fires and more crystals.  I am already getting sick to death of these fucking crystals.

Just to keep things equal between the two leads, Matt Smith's character

model resembles a hybrid of Edward Scissorhands, Timothy Dalton and

Robert fucking Pattinson.  At least he has a bow tie.  Bow ties are cool.

Upon trying to use the elevator, I find that it's actually part of a network of floating platforms that can carry the Doc over the top of the room to an upper floor, where another robo-Pez-dispenser offers up green crystals, needed to unlock a door at ground level...but first, I need to put out another damn fire, to reach a dispenser of purple crystals, which are needed to power up one of the platforms and force it to move.  It takes me five tries to get this part right, as trying to score a direct hit on the target point for the lift when it's on the other side of the room, and the platform I'm standing on is moving back and forth, is pretty damn hard.  (before you ask, no, there's no snap-to-target aim assist for younger players/idiots/the lazy)  Eventually, I do get my precious green gems...and then somehow miss the door's shootable target three times at point-blank range, meaning I have to avoid the Droid and get across the platforms again.

Or, alternatively, I could turn off the fucking game and play something better instead.  I took the latter option.

Y'know, I've played plenty of bad games in my time, but the ones that really get on my nerves are the disappointing games.  The ones where you know they could have been so much more than they are.  Doctor Who, as a property, contains all the necessary ingredients to make a genuinely brilliant game; it's fast-paced, funny, dramatic, clever, has well-defined and likeable lead characters, and a legion of kick-ass villains to draw from.  I'd spent many hours since the series returned to TV in 2005 wondering what a Who game would be like; a puzzling adventure with survival horror components, like Capcom's underappreciated Zack & Wiki crossed with a PG-friendly Resident Evil.  It would be amazing.  It still could be amazing.  But, in this case, the BBC let the accountants rather than the experts make the key decisions, and we've wound up with a halfhearted 'kiddy' platformer with insultingly simple puzzles, made on the cheap by a no-name, no-talent studio, because actually putting some thought into this would be too hard or something.

Final Rating:  0/10.  If you're a Who fan, it'll piss all over your memories of the show; if you're not, it's still terrible.

Sitting in a chair like that all day would be infinitely more fun than

playing Return to Earth.  Hell, actually being turned into a Cyberman

would be a laugh riot by comparison.

New Arrivals...

Comic-style Firefly, Mercenary Wraith and M.A.S.K. Specialist Trakker.  I'm not much of a 25th guy, but these three caught my eye somehow.  More on them to follow - especially Trakker.

Remembering 'The Rise of Cobra'

Apparently, you're not a 'real' Joe fan if you don't

vomit at the sight of this.

Last year was when I discovered G.I. Joe, or at least when I started actually buying into it, in the wake of the above movie, which despite a critical hammering I still insist was fantastic; not clever or cutting-edge, no, but fast, funny, exciting, and proud enough of its source material that it doesn't feel obliged to make snide jokes at the expense of past incarnations of the mythology, a la the exciting but cynical Transformers movies.  Sadly, the majority of the longtime Joe fanbase didn't share my opinion and still doesn't.  I have actually tried to listen to the rants that come from their message boards, like The Terrordrome and HissTank.com, but the comments posted were confusing, to say the least; most fans wanted a film that was both slavishly faithful to the '80s ARAH continuity (which involved such Shakespearean flourishes as Cobra Commander being either a used-car salesman or a prehistoric snake/human hybrid, and the Joes' primary drill instructor being Sgt. Slaughter - yeah, that one, the wrestler) and presented with the kind of gritty, real-world tone as Black Hawk Down or a Chris Nolan Batman flick.  How exactly can one have it both ways?

And of course, this attitude spilled through to the accompanying toy line.  "There's too much black plastic!"  "The reactive armour outfits are too similar!"  "The Vipers don't look like real Cobra army-builders!"  "Baroness' face sculpt is horrible!"  Never before or since have I seen so much petty vitriol focused against a toy line.  And Baroness has never had a good face sculpt, fools.  Deal with it.

Which makes it all the more surprising that the Pursuit of Cobra line of 2010 - which shares the same pseudo-realistic style and more than a fair share of tooling with RoC - has gone down so well.  Okay, fanboys, so you hated the reactive armour on all the movie figures, but you don't bat an eyelid when it's on Jungle Assault Duke?  You pissed all over RoC Cobra Commander, but when Hasbro re-release him with a red shirt, a vac-metal mask and fancy packaging, suddenly he's a hit?  Pfah.  Fact is, RoC was awesome, and now it's almost in danger of falling into the same black hole of memories that swallowed up Sigma Six.  So, because I hate the idea of so much good work being wasted, here's my personal shortlist of the highlights of the RoC toyline.

Destro

"You like this gun?  I made this gun.  You couldn't.

That's why I get the hot chicks.  That and my shiny head."

Not an entirely unqualified success - his basic weapon loadout in uninspiring, and the shiny head actually came from the McCullen Clan SDCC set - but even so, this Destro's a joy.  Doing away with the retro design, because nobody in their right mind looks like this anymore, Hasbro essentially took a formal WW2 Nazi uniform, stripped away the Jew-upsetting details, and painted it in more Cobra-like colours.  That, in itself, would be cool enough for a Cobra Officer or maybe even the Commander, but luckily, they also kept in mind that this is Destro, so he's got the raised collar with red lining in deference to the original, and even a little tie-pin to replace the old Flava Flav medallion.  And although Destro never looks like this in the film, the trace of a formal shirt and tie visible under his jacket, hinting at his businessman credentials, makes this figure believably the same character.

Snake Eyes (City Strike)

Snake Eyes will cut you if you mention the word 'Resolute'.



Yes, I know, this design is actually from the Resolute animation, which fans adore (even though the storyline was mince, the 'adult' pretensions don't hold up to scrutiny and most of the characters have had serious liberties taken with them...), but shut up.  There's another version of this guy available as part of a Resolute box set - this one was released in RoC packaging, so it's a RoC figure.  And it's better than the other version, with cooler guns, a neater paint job (no pointlessly green goggles here), and a katana that's actually a katana, not a tanto.  A tanto is smaller.  A tanto is a girl's sword.  Snake Eyes is a PROPER MAN'S MAN so he needs a MANLY SWORD.  Like that one.  Okay?

Agent Helix

"Yes, my guns are nice.  Hey, why are you laughing?"

Created as a bonus character for the largely terrible RoC videogame (and partly born at the hands of Brian Reed, who I mentioned in my Ms. Marvel post), Agent Helix doesn't have much of a personality so far; her origin is a mystery, she's only appeared in about two comic issues so far, and her characterisation changed between said issues substantially.  But as any man will attest, you don't need a girl to have a great personality if she's got the looks, and Helix sure as hell delivers there.  The white/black goth hair falling alluringly over one eye, the armoured corset, the bumblebee-yellow top, the odd metallic skirting...there haven't been many female Joes over the years, so a new addition is always welcome, and Helix scores big for both having an immediately recognisable design and terrific posability to boot.  Granted, her arms are too short to hold certain types of rifles, and her hands have an odd sort of grip on them, but she's fine with SMGs, pistols and martial-arts weaponry.  Plus, y'know, she's fit, or as fit as a pocket-size bit of plastic can get.

Firefly (Toys 'R' Us Exclusive)

"Okay, bomb, gun, goggles, knife, backpack, man-bag...

Nope, I don't think I left anything at home today."

God, this guy was an arse to find.  Firefly was one of the first two TRU-exclusive figures (along with Barbecue) released during RoC, and of course was only ever stocked at American TRU stores, so finding one for myself A) required online shopping, now the scourge of my life, and B) required much browsing, since my usual port of call, BigBadToyStore, never had the exclusives available.  Long story short, I wound up paying through the nose for this guy...but it was worth it.  Combining another Resolute figure (the standard Cobra Trooper) with a past Firefly head, then topping it off with the webgear from 25th-anniversary Airborne, Hasbro took a bunch of unrelated parts and succeeded in creating a Firefly that was instantly recognisable, but more bulky and realistic than any of the 25th versions released since 2007.  Sure, he didn't have camo, but they hardly skimped on the paint apps.  And how could you complain with all that gear?  The comic pack Firefly demo-kit stuff, Lt. Falcon's awesome backpack and knife, plus Beachhead's gun and man-bag satchel...this guy's ready for anything the Joes can throw at him.  Perfect.

Kamakura

"Make jokes about my name, you get the sword in your neck.

Make jokes about my height, you get the claw in your crotch."

One of the latter creations in the line, I really didn't know what to expect from Kamakura.  He wasn't a particularly big name amongst the Joes, and his previous figures had been generic ninja rot of the flimsiest caliber.  Also, he was green and yellow, which is just silly no matter how you look at it.  Luckily, Hasbro seemed to agree with me, and essentially threw out all the previous Kamakura designs, keeping only the bare-bones concept - namely, he's a Joe ninja that isn't Snake Eyes.  What we wound up with was a mishmash of old Storm Shadow parts grafted onto a reactive armour torso and done in various shades of blue, with a nice digital camo pattern on the legs.  And a very nice figure it was, too; the SS parts obviously scream 'ninja' but don't necessarily look like they belong to a Cobra guy, and the armoured torso makes his look gel with the rest of the movie Joes.  Plus, Hasbro gave him the same accessories as the comic-pack 25th Storm Shadow, so he's loaded for bear with two snazzy swords, the tekagi claw, an opening backpack, a small Uzi and a...erm...a thing.  It's like two small scythes joined by a chain/rope.  No idea what it's called.  Point is, it's all cool.  Hell, I even like the fact he's a bit shorter than most other Joes, it gives him a bit more character.  If I bought a Robin figure, I'd expect it to be shorter than Batman, and since Kamakura is the Robin to Snake Eyes' Batman, it works.

James McCullen XXIV

"This is how I deal with fanboys asking Doctor Who questions."

For something listed as an 'exclusive', it's actually pretty easy to find the McCullen Clan SDCC pack on online retailers...something probably related to the $45 price-tag, which nets you a grand total of two figures.  That being said, I don't regret my purchasing the set in the slightest, and although the box is a masterpiece, and McCullen IX is an interesting toy, it's this guy that's the star of the show.  The first (and still, to date, only) Hasbro 3.75" figure to wear a 3-piece suit, and they actually pulled it off, with the jacket and waistcoat fused into one and a separate piece for the tie underneath.  Couple that with the perfectly even pinstripes, the shiny shoes, and a cracking likeness for Christopher "Scotland and Salford are basically the same, right?" Eccleston, and you've got a figure with no fail on it.  Even the guns are sweet; yes, those Viper Commando pulse-rifles are impossible to hold properly, but they're vac-metallized so they're awesome by default.  And yeah, I know, he only has single knee joints rather than the usual double, but really, who cares?  It's not like he's gonna be running anywhere, is he?  He's the mastermind, not the hired muscle!

Shipwreck

"Parrots are really smart birds, y'know.  For instance,

I trained this one to peck the eyeballs out of my victims' skulls."

Out of the earliest wave of RoC figures, Shipwreck immediately stood out, and he's remained a favourite of mine ever since, largely by being the perfect - and I mean perfect - fusion of old and new.  Sure, he's got the familiar reactive armour top and blue digital camo pants, so he blends in with the movie-style Joes, but the scruffy beard and knit cap both help him stand apart, and keep the spirit of the old, daft, slacker-boy sailor Shipwreck alive.  As if a basic figure made of that much win isn't enough, he's also kitted out wonderfully, with a modified rifle/speargun combo, a Desert Eagle, a nasty knife and probably the best scuba gear yet made for a Joe figure (well, it's a damn sight cooler than 25th Torpedo's kit, anyway).  Oh yeah, and he's got a parrot.  You gotta admire a man with the balls to carry a bright green tropical bird into battle.  It's like he's daring enemy snipers to take their best shot, just so he can deflect their feeble bullets with his adamantium beard.

Snake Eyes (Paris Pursuit)

It's what all the girls'll be sporting on the catwalk this season.

Yeah, I know, I already did a Snake Eyes, but the benefits of being one of the line's most treasured names means the unbeatable mute gets first dibs on the best gimmicks and costume designs.  Plus, this one actually has a pretty interesting story to it; Snake Eyes does appear in this gear at several points in the film, but you'd be hard-pushed to notice - it's actually a simpler outfit, just a slim woollen top and basic cargo pants with a thin coat draped over it, and a simpler mask without those controversial sculpted lips.  Left unchanged, it'd make for a spectacularly dull figure, but luckily someone at Hasbro had a brainwave when they saw it, and simply by beefing up the coat into a full-blown Matrix deal, we've got one hell of a figure.  Quite why it never occurred to them to use this 'look' for Snake Eyes in the past is beyond me, because it seems such an obvious idea, perfect for cutting a dramatic figure through the moody, blood-drenched alleyways of...uh, Paris.  Love how the strap across the chest looks like it's part of the sword sheath, too.

Elite-Viper

"Whaddaya want, some kinda jokey one-liner?  How's about this:

'I've got two SMGs, I don't do jokes.'  Punk."

Okay, time for a concession to the majority here; your writer will agree that the first few Cobra army builders from the RoC line were...less than they could have been.  Maybe it was the elbows that didn't bend as far as you'd like, or the clunky, oversized guns, or even just the armoured vests being too thick - there was always something.  And then came the Elite-Viper, and all was right with the world.  Well, okay, the fanboys still whined, but those of us who were capable of looking at these things rationally saw the improved articulation, the more sensible body armour, and guns that could actually be held like guns.  And in a further fit of generosity, Hasbro complimented the sweet twin UMPs with a pulse pistol and an...um...axe (?), which fit neatly into a thigh-holster and backpack respectively.  If only his head, with its genuinely terrific sculpting, had a few paint apps to make the details stand out...although I suppose they were pure black in the film, so, meh.

Steel Crusher APV

Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' WHAT?!

If all you ever saw of The Rise of Cobra was a trailer or two, the one thing that's likely to have stuck in your head is the image of two guys in robot suits exchanging gunfire with this big black lump of carcinogenic soot and raw evil on wheels.  And that's just what I call it for being a Hummer.  Merely being a big, sharply-angled box with tinted windows isn't enough to call this a Cobra vehicle, though, so of course it's been tricked out with removable battering forks for the front bumper, concealed missiles in the side doors, and a rotating spring-loaded pulse cannon that emerges from the roof when the bulletproof shield is pulled down over the windscreen.  Overall, though, what I love most about this toy is its toughness; it's got a really pleasing solid feel to it, the kind of durability that demands you scoot it along the floor, knocking over other figures and putting dents in the skirting board.  And if any old-school types are questioning where a modified civillian vehicle like this fits in alongside HISS tanks and Trubble Bubbles, might I point out that the acronym after its name doesn't read 'APC', it's 'APV'.  Exactly what the difference between the two is, I'm not sure, but for now, I like to think of the Crusher as the Cobra VIP transport of choice, for all those fancy red-carpet do's the Baroness likes to attend.  Oh, the missiles?  Those're for when Brangelina's convoy of fancy BMWs hogs all the good parking spots.

Those, of course, represent merely a handful of highlights from a truly great line.  I'd love to waste even more time listing  more and more winners - knew I should've taken pics of the Crimson Neo-Viper and Sgt. Flash, dammit! - but hopefully I've made my point well enough already.  Most of these guys are still available, and now at discounted prices too.  If your toy tastes lean towards the military end of things, then these, my friend, are the motherlode.

Next time, erm...something.  Not sure yet.  Stay tuned.

TRON Legacy Figures/Failure

No time like the present to get things started...so today, upon a fairly normal visit to my local Forbidden Planet, I was pleasantly surprised to find a new line of 3.75" (my favourite scale!) toys on the shelves - and based on a film that looks really rather cool, too.  Without thought for restraint or bank balance, I snapped up the first 3 cool ones I could find - £7.99 a piece, who needs money for Christmas shopping anyway? - and left to skip home happily.  And now, here come some thoughts.

First, let's talk about the Black Guard *dramatic music*

Yeah, my camera's flash is ludicrously bright.

Since much of this figure is cast in solid black without paint highlights, it can be hard to see a lot of the details in photos, but trust me when I say it's there.  Despite how spandex-y most of the TRON costumes look, this dude has a pleasing, angular bulk to him that suggests heavy-duty body armour of some kind.  I'm also a little bit smitten with his helmet, which combines a smooth faceplate with little optical sensors and an antenna, reminding me personally of Johann Krauss in Hellboy 2.  The only paint apps on the body are spots of bright orange, which are obviously the sort of fashion statement you can't be seen in the TRON world without, though in my mind (because I'm displaying this guy as a kind-of Cobra stealth operative) I think of them as running lights, like you get on the current model of Iron Man.

Articulation is generally good, albeit not G.I. Joe-standard.  The knees don't go back very far, and the arms twist in strange places (right up at the shoulder rather than down at the elbow - why?), but he's capable of flexing into some decent action poses nevertheless.  Accessory-wise, he's sparsely, but sensibly, equipped; two short batons (the TRON equivalent of nightsticks, I suppose) and one of those infamous throwing discs, as you can see in the above picture.  And of course, he has a display stand, also styled after the discs.  I'd have liked to see the guy's name printed on it somewhere, because the other two figures I picked up are very similar to him, but you can't have everything, I suppose.

Inflatable life-ring?  Giant polo mint?

Bass speaker for onboard stereo?

No idea what that thing could be, honestly.  They're present on the film costume designs, yes, but they're somehow more discreet, and don't look quite so much like a giant button sticking out of the wearer's spine.  Whereas here, they do...because that's what they are.  A button which does this:

ZOMG!

I have to admit, I'm a big kid when it comes to 'action features', even if I'm never going to use them - so having running lights that actually light up is a definite highlight of this figure.  And look, Hasbro - unlike that stupid glowing-chest Mark VI Iron Man figure you made, the lights stay on for a few seconds after the button is released, so I don't have to keep my big fat finger in shot when I take a photo!  Progress!

Overall rating for the Black Guard: a solid 8/10.  Could do with better articulation, but he's still nicely detailed, and has an action feature that doesn't get in the way.

Next up, we have Vinzler.  God, that's a stupid name.

 Nice...um...stick?

Seriously, I have no idea what that thing he's holding is.  Up close, it looks like two of the Black Guard's batons stuck together by an Irn-Bru bar.  Maybe the middle part's supposed to be flexible, so it's like nunchaku?  I dunno, and probably won't figure out 'til I see the film.  In any case, it's not his only weapon, since he's got two regular batons plus two discs on hand as well.

He's got legs, he knows how to use 'em...for stowing gear on.

A little touch I'm rather fond of; the two batons can clip onto his thighs, as you can see above.  Love it when figures have storage solutions for their accessories.  Sadly, there's no such place to slot his discs, hence why one of em's just sitting on the base.

You'll notice I haven't talked about the sculpting yet.  Well, that's because there isn't a whole lot to say that I haven't already said, since this guy looks much the same as the Black Guard; I'm assuming he's some sort of command officer for their unit.  There are some differences, though; the helmet is missing the extra optical sensors and lenses so it's much more smooth, and the body seems more slim somehow.  I'm not sure if I like it, he looks less spec-ops and more Black Power Ranger now.

Still, at least he shares the Black Guard's coolest feature.

More ZOMG, now with extra blurriness!

Overall rating for Vinzler:  7.5/10.  Not as cool a basic figure by comparison to his mate(s), but the extra gear and storage space just about makes up for it.

Last up (for now) is Clu, and...

Uh, you're missing something up top, mate.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, he's broken already.  And to be clear here, this was not another victim of Craig Rage; I was just trying to turn the guy's head around, something which I did successfully manage on the other two (although it doesn't feel like a smooth motion), and the damn thing just snapped clean off.  And judging by what's left of the joint, I'm not sure if it was ever designed to turn in the first place.  Which is really a shame, because this would otherwise be the best figure of the three; the yellow highlights are more immediately appealing than the orange sported by Vinzler and the Black Guard, he still lights up (though I haven't taken a pic of it; it's the two clear vertical stripes on his torso that glow in this case), and the neon katana is a much cooler weapon than the silly batons sported by his peers.  Still, I can't ignore shoddy production standards just because the dude has a nifty sword.

Overall rating for Clu:  4/10.  If anyone can confirm the presence of Clus that don't decapitate quite so easily, I'll probably raise that rating quite a bit.

So that's TRON Legacy for now.  All things considered, I'm quite pleased with these purchases; they look and feel sufficiently TRON-like, can pose fairly well, and come with enough bits-n-bobs to justify the price, unlike some other figures in this scale I've encountered over the last year. *cough*A-Teammovie*cough* Next weekend, or maybe the one after that, I'm gonna go look for more, and I promise you this, Spin Master Toys, I will not be satisfied until I find a decent fig of whoever Olivia Wilde plays in the film.

Gotta get me some of that.