Opinion Blog: The Worst Bosses of my Gaming Life

 An all-too-familiar sight for Teen Me.

Look, I love games.  Of course I do.  My recent weeknights have been spent alternating between Hyrule Warriors, Bayonetta 2, Lego Batman 3 and a return to BioShock 2 (in case you were wondering why updates are so infrequent).  Real life is dull and exhausting and full of rules nobody can explain but must all be followed at all times.  Games are lively, untiring and make their rules plain.

Even so, if there's anything more guaranteed to sour my mood than a BOSS FIGHT~, it's...probably my actual job, honestly, but still, bosses.  A good boss can be many things: that one last hurdle before the triumph of the end credits, a despicable sod you can't wait to pummel, the final exam for all the tricks you've learned in the hours before.  Sadly, it's all too easy for none of these ideas to stick and you end up with a bad boss, one whose presence cripples the game around it rather than enhancing it.  We've all got our personal hall of shame.  Here's mine.

Craig's Token Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 3 Thought Post

 Love the reactions in this shot.  Downey's smug bow, Evans' mildly

embarassed aw-shucks wave, and Boseman all 'OMG OMG IS THIS REAL??'.

So, unless you live under a rock, or simply don't care about this kind of thing, you've likely already heard what was revealed at Marvel Studio's exclusive-attendance press event last week.  The entirety of 'phase 3', the next solid block of films taking place within the universe defined by The Avengers has been charted, and so now we know every step on the path to cinema's current greatest heroes facing their ultimate - final? - battle.

Obviously, this is big news, and hundreds of other sites have been scraping over the details, running any number of rumours to try and gain hits.  Me, I'm late to the party, and I sure as hell don't have any inside sources to tantalize you with...but I slacked off and let this blog rot during October, and it's high time that changed.  At least this is something I'm enthusiastic about, so the writing should come easy.

Now Playing: HYRULE WARRIORS

 One of these days, that scarf's gonna wrap over his eyes

and he'll stab himself by mistake.

Developed by Omega Force.

Co-published by Nintendo and Tecmo-Koei.

Released mid-September 2014.

Format: WiiU exclusive.

Hold the presses - Nintendo farm out prized characters for unrelated spin-off title from lesser studio!  NEWS AT ELEVEN!

Actually, no, that's uncalled for.  While Nintendo absolutely deserve the snark they get for, say, Mario and pals showing up in an NBA-branded basketball game, they are generally more cautious with a few of their other big names, like Metroid or Kirby or, in this case, Legend of Zelda.  Whether or not that's down to producer demands or an attempt to preserve those titles' status by restricting their appearances to only core games is unclear; actually, it might simply be down to these series all picking one particular game 'style' and sticking with it, whilst Mario in his first 3 core titles (Donkey Kong, Mario Bros, Super Mario Bros) went through 3 wildly different takes on what a platform game can be, so he's always been fairly malleable in that regard.

But let's just say a big 'whatever' to all that because now there's a Zelda Musou game and Nintendo would really like you to buy it okay.

Film Reaction: TEKKEN 2: KAZUYA'S REVENGE

 Hooray for lazy re-used art assets!

Okay then.  I can do this.  I can do this.

For those of you not as prone to chasing up every Tekken-related newsbit as I am, here's a quick catch-up: the earlier Tekken movie, released in either 2009 or 2010 by Crystal Sky Productions, made virtually no money in its super-limited cinema run before heading to DVD markets, but producers are a funny lot who can make excuses for anything, so somebody decided they really needed to keep hold of the license rights.  A couple years pass and some word-of-mouth goes around about a planned prequel movie titled Tekken: Rise of the Tournament, with Ong-Bak's Prachya Pinkaew set to direct.  Some people (me, mostly) get a bit excited.  This movie does not happen.

Months later, actor/martial artist Kane Kosugi excitably blabs about getting the lead role in Tekken: The Man Called X.  Most assume this is the prequel under a new title.  A few days after that, Kosugi's talent agency issues a retraction, saying the film is actually titled Agent X and has nothing to do with the Tekken license.  The production goes on with little to no further notice.

Finally, in August 2014, the film's trailers debut little over a week from its planned straight-to-video release...and announce it as Tekken 2: Kazuya's Revenge.  No sign of anyone called X anywhere but Kosugi is definitely front and center.  I have watched it.  Now you watch as I attempt to make sense of it all.

Time Capsule: The Matt Smith Era, Part 3

Forever of 2 minds as to whether this coat was an improvement on

the Geography-teacher jacket.  River needed a glitzier dress for sure, though.

Wow, is that the time?  Haha pun.  But it's been a while since the last Time Capsule post and...yeah, I may have been putting it off deliberately.  Matt Smith's first season is a joyride for me, but his second is much harder to sit through.  It's at this point that Steven Moffat gets fixated on his own long-term story arcs at the expense of individual episodes, and - well, we'll see how that turns out as I go over each one, piece by piece.

Put the kettle on and buckle up.

Further Adventures of Minimate Nina, part четыре: A Day Unlike Any Other

Nighttime, at a news office on the outskirts of the city...

(Don't ask which city.  There is only one.  The city.)

Nina:  Porn, porn, angry editorial about some spider-guy, weather forecast, porn, sports...ugh.

And this chair is tiny and really cramping my butt.  Guess it was a long shot

to expect this rag to have anything on new organised crime outfits...

though maybe I can break into the CIA from here - 

SUDDENLY THE POWER CUTS!

Nina:  This isn't going to be the good kind of surprise, is it?

???:  Miss Williams!  On the authority of SHIELD, you are under arrest!  Come out of the 

building with your hands empty and there won't be any trouble!

Iron Man:  You don't really expect her to go for that, do ya?

Captain America:  No, not really.  That's why you're all here.

AVENGERS, ASSEMBLE!

Click through for more.

The Comic-Con 2014 TEKKEN Update Post

Behold the power of Unreal 4!

Old people have never looked more wrinkly!

So, it's Saturday the 26th as I type.  Namco-Bandai's had its panel at SDCC, and with it comes the biggerer, longerer, melodramaticerer Tekken 7 teaser and the first scraps of info regarding the game.  I debated whether they were meaningful enough to justify an entirely new post after covering the EVO trailer already, but then something else happened, and dear God I need to share it.  I need to.  To purge it.

Click through if your bowels are ready.

Thoughts on the TEKKEN 7 Announce Trailer

Om nom nom.

Well that took longer than it had any bloody right to.

But yes, for those who missed the news, on the last day of this year's EVO tourney, Katsuhiro Harada officially announced the next entry in the Tekken series, Tekken 7.  Yes, Tekken 7, not Tekken X Street Fighter, Tekken Square-Goals Virtua Fighter, Tekken Invites Battle Arena Toshinden to Come And Have A Go, or indeed Craig's Idealised and Completely Imaginary Tekken RPG.  (dang)  Even so, it's a new, full-fledged 'core' Tekken title, so maybe that'll be enough to shut up everyone who's been whinging about the devs spending too much effort on Revolution?

...no, of course not.  It's the internet.  But, while we wait for Comic-Con and hopefully some actual gameplay, here's my brilliant, senses-staggering insight into what this trailer tells me about the game.

GET READY FOR THE NEXT MISINFORMATION!!

Now Playing: TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE DARK SPARK

 lolwut

Developed by Edge of Reality.

Published by ActiVision.

Released late June 2014.

Formats: PS4, Xbox One, PS3, Xbox 360, Wii U, PC

Version played:  Wii U

So.  Another Transformers movie.  And y'know what, after sitting through 3 of them already and getting progressively more and more pissed off with each occurrence, to the point where I firmly declared Dark of the Moon had 'killed Optimus Prime forever', I'm not wasting time and money on a cinema visit (not when I can just skim the plot summary on Wikipedia and, yep, sounds horrid).  On the other hand, there's always games!  High Moon's War for Cybertron was a fun third-person blaster with a too-murky art style but a lot of charm under the hood, and its sequel Fall of Cybertron lost the co-op mode but compensated nicely by giving the characters more unique abilities, playing with bigger set-pieces and coming up with more inventive, varied environments.  I'd happily play a few more of those!

...that's not quite what I'm getting from Rise of the Dark Spark.

Toy Pictorial: The Nintendo Trinity

In this dark time of reduced articulation, shelf-warmers, novelty gimmicks that don't work and G.I. Joe not really doing anything despite being on an anniversary year, it's comforting to know that the Japanese specialist market is still churning out some gold, provided you've got the money.  Which is a needlessly grim way of saying I've got the leads of the 3 best Nintendo franchises (no I do not rank Kirby or Donkey Kong up there, thankyou) in posable figure form and I could not be more happy about it.

More pics after the jump.

Film Reaction Retro: PANDORUM (2009)

 I've been staring at this poster for 15 minutes and

I still don't know what the hell it's showing me.

Blergh.  I hate leaving this blog to rot for any length of time now.  Unfortunately, I'm thumping my head against a brick wall trying to put together anything clever toy-related, and the last two movies I saw in the cinema, while okay for the most part, just...look, you want my reaction to Godzilla?  'Ehhhh'.  That's my reaction.  And X-Men Days of the Future Past that are also Past Futures to the Future Past Future had some lovely moments though it still feels like a bungled step after First Class.  Both those points have been made better elsewhere, and I got beaten to the punch on most of 'em since both films opened in the States before Europe (which seems to be the less likely option these days).  And I'm still trying to think up something good to rant about in the gaming world after that Resi post, so...hmmm...

...I guess I don't have to limit myself to new movies, do I?  Okay, so let's talk about a random sci-fi horror film that made basically no money.

Opinion Blog: Ranking the Resident Evils

 Class photo!  Everybody pout and brandish firearms!

This likely surprises no-one after the kicking I gave the last movie but I loooove Resident Evil.  Love love love it, through thick and thin, for almost as long as I've been gaming.  These are the places and monsters that creeped me out as a kid the way a Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees might have done for past generations, and I've been meaning to do more about the series on the blog for a while now.

So, while I'm in the midst of playing through all the games I've got laying around here again, I'm going to start by explaining where on the scale of...goodness?...each individual game stands, as not all Resis are created equal.

(Note: This post will strictly concern itself with the 'core' Resident Evil titles, ignoring rail shooters, mobile games, Gaiden and the various online-focused multiplayer games.)

Film Reaction: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

 It's weird that this film has so many posters,

yet none of them feel like 'THE' poster, y'know?

The Amazing Spider-Man was a dull, routine, soulless cash-grab, a mercenary movie built purely to retain publishing rights to its title character, devoid of any artistic spark for fear of individual creativity somehow getting in the way of franchise longevity.  I hated it like fire, and in the same year that gave us The Dark Knight Rises it somehow made Nolan's nadir look good by comparison.  Unfortunately, ol' Web-Head is too popular to die, so the thing still made money, and now the same creative team are back for round 2, with the 'help' of two of the men who inflicted Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Star Trek Into Darkness upon us.

Look on the bright side, though: with that all in mind, who's gonna go into this one with hopes high enough to be savagely dashed upon the rocks of reality?  Forewarned is forearmed.

Film Reaction: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

 Never judge a film by its poster.

Or at least don't judge this film by this poster 'cause this poster's very bleh.

One of the more interesting points on the business side of this whole 'Marvel Cinematic Universe' shebang is how The Avengers' success impacts the subsequent films; does co-starring in the big climactic team-up increase awareness and box-office muscle appreciably for the non-Iron Man heroes?  I'd imagine that's something Marvel Studios are banking on.  While I consider Captain America: The First Avenger to be a great film - in fact, it's almost a perfect film, insofar as it's the best possible movie that could be made out of both Cap's origin story and his delivery into the modern world - it only did okay at the box office for one reason or another, not much more or less than The Incredible Hulk (which you'll notice has yet to have a sequel mentioned).

Judging from what I've read, this paid off with Thor: The Dark World, which comfortably outgrossed its predecessor even after opening in the tail end of Autumn.  So will the same hold true for The Winter Soldier, which with Black Widow in a featured role and much SHIELD shenanigans is doubling down on residual Avengers love?

I certainly hope so, because once again the Sentinel of Liberty has delivered a hell of a movie.

Toy Review: G.I. Joe Kre-Ons Wave 2

 Dreadnoks: not liking dogs since that time Buzzer

tried murdering one with a chainsaw.

While the 'main' Joe toyline has limped from the shambolic release pattern of the Retaliation figures into a big ol' deadzone, the chaps behind the licensed Kre-O building block series have been busy bees.  I've already professed my love for these babies despite their not being any easier to get hold of in the UK than their big brothers, and now I at last got the chance to snap up all 12 of the wave-2 blind bagged figures (just as waves 3 and 4 were announced...whee!).  So let's run them down, good guys first...

Comic Musing: SUPERMAN/WONDER WOMAN, BLACK WIDOW & Others

Really wish DC would have some sort of cover bar

so that these all look like a matching set.

It's certainly been long enough since my last rambling comic review post, and I haven't exactly been letting my reading slip since then, so there's more than a few books I'd like to talk about.  For the sake of keeping things brief, I'll stick with four for now.  Firstly, my muddled thoughts regarding DC's divisive Superman/Wonder Woman series, which has just released its fifth issue this month, and then some looks at three of the new start-up series from the All-New Minty Fresh Marvel NOW! initiative, namely Black Widow, X-Force and Ms. Marvel.

WARNING:  The following post discusses - and contain spoilers for - issues 1-5 of Superman/Wonder Woman, issues 1-3 of Black Widow and issue 1 of both X-Force and Ms. Marvel.  Turn back now if you're sensitive, y'big wuss.

Time Capsule: The Matt Smith Era, Part 2

 Girl meets Boy meets Weird Disco Hall meets SPAAAACE

And back to Who.  When we left off, the Doctor and Amy had escaped from the Weeping Angels in the Maze of the Dead, and realized that the crack in time wasn't just a one-off; now it's time to get Amy 'sorted out' for her suddenly very important wedding day, which means big fish, lizard people and a flat that shouldn't exist.  Geronimo!

Opinion Blog: Ranking the Tekken Fighters from Worst to Best

Does this look comprehensive to you?

Trust me - it ain't.

Ladies and gentlemen, all is quiet here at the Pillar of Justice.  The recent run of interesting game releases has dried up, in favour of the first few sad spurts of the next gen dribbling out onto the arid desert of consumer apathy.  The local multiplexes are full of those Oscar-baiting dramas that look more like the kind of thing you'd watch on DVD later (then never do).  And your humble host's comics reading has been so scrambled and scattered of late it's difficult to single out any one series for a thorough write-up, though I'm hoping to fix that soon.

But in the meantime, howabout an exhaustive and in-no-way definitive listing of every Tekken character ordered according to the relative merits of my personal favour?  No?  Well, tough, I had to Google all these images and cut half of 'em down for size, and after all that I'm gonna use them for something whether you like it or not.

GET READY FOR THE NEXT PRATTLE!

Time Capsule: The Matt Smith Era, Part 1

 The sonic's 762nd function is the JJ Abrams Effector.

Rarely used.

Doctor Who has been far too big a part of my life since its 2005 resurrection for me to ignore it on this blog, and a scathing (but completely accurate) review of a now-forgotten Wii game several years back seems insufficient.  So begins Time Capsule, which is/will be a series of mini-reviews (or capsule reviews) covering a large selection of Who stories (over the course of many years, hence time - see how clever I am with my title choices and weep) since trying to go full-depth with a show that's run this long will keep me busy 'til Doomsday.  Hell, by then I'd barely be up to the actual episode called 'Doomsday'.  Although it might be a gentle relief if the world ended before I had to watch that one again.

Since his time in the TARDIS ended last Christmas - and since I've basically got his whole run on shiny blu-ray for reference - I'm starting out with a look at Doc 11, Matt Smith, him with the bow tie and inexplicable wavy fringe.  Smith's run - especially the latter half of it - got to be very wearying for me, and I know I'm not alone in that, but it's been a while since I've ventured back to the start of his tenure, and I'm very excited to switch off the part of my brain that knows who River Song is and has so many conflicting ideas about the Silence I can't make heads or tails of them anymore.  Off we go then!

(one last note in advance: the series and story numbering I'm using here is cribbed from the Counter-X listing and extended to cover more recent fare, which means it might not fit with some other listings.  I'm also counting any new-Who 2-parters as single stories because, well, they bloody are)

Toy Review: Play Arts Kai Faora-Ul

 Not a photo of mine.

You can probably guess by the lack of awfulness.

To start, hey look, my first post of 2014!  Hope everyone had a safe New Year's.

Anyway - as time passes, I find myself growing more and more irritated with Man of Steel, as seems to be the prevailing feeling amongst interweb dorks like myself.  This is the big problem with the tone and aesthetic that Christopher Nolan has bequeathed to Warner Bros.' nascent DC cinematic universe: when every character and place is presented as cold, severe and super-duper-serious it prompts the audience's thoughts to linger on the ideas and questions raised by the story rather than just relax and let oneself be moved by the flow of the film.  That's fine if you've got a tight grip on the tale and know exactly what points you want to get across, but if you don't - if the questions you're raising clash with the overall 'point' of the film, or if you're simply not elaborating them well enough - then all you're doing is giving viewers more time to chew over the film's problems.  And hoo boy did MoS have hefty problems delivering its themes.

Despite that, I still bought the damn blu-ray just so I could gawk at Faora-Ul in glorious HD.  That plus the hilarious sight of Michael Shannon's misshapen beanpole body being pushed through military-grade workouts in the special features was worth the asking price.  Thus my Faora crush remains strong, albeit ill-served by the movie's merchandising.  Sadly there's still no sign of a Hot Toys 12" $200+ wallet-killer fig of the lady (I remain hopeful - HT's Roadblock figure still hasn't been released and G.I. Joe 2 came out last March) and Mattel did their usual hopeless job on the main toyline, resulting in this disappointment with its cartoon face, borked joints and oddly squat physique.  Luckily, though, DC's licensing deal with Square Enix covers both comics and movie properties, and so the MoS subline of the Play Arts Kai range has stepped up to fill the void and maybe give Faora the toy she deserves.