Deadpool: "Wade's house, bah-bum-bum, in the middle of Wade's street...dah-rah..."
Deadpool: "Well, who do we got here now? Hey folks, and welcome to what I hope'll be a regular guest-starring stint on this here blog! Not that I really need any more guest-starring roles, I'm turning up in so much crap nowadays I can barely catch time for a Golden Girls masturba - umm, marathon at the weekends."
Deadpool: "For today's subject - for there must always be a subject, it's not like the writer of this blog makes inconsequential posts about crap he just found on YouTube *cough*firstpostbackinFebruary*cough* - I'm gonna yak about ar-tic-u-la-tion. That's a fancy word for 'bendy joints' in the toy world. Did I mention I'm a toy now? Admittedly, I'm stuck in a two-pack with *sigh* Taskmaster of all geeks, but hey, I'm worth an inflated price for a pointless second fig and a comic you already own, right?"
Deadpool: "Now, some a' you wiseguys prolly think I ain't suited to talk about bendiness, 'cause I ain't a bender. You're right. I'm straight. I'm so straight that, if I stand against the Leaning Tower of That Place In Italy, it gets pushed back up the way it should. (then I get in crap with the local authorities, grrrr) An' more o' you might think I got no right to talk since I can't even fold my arms properly, as you can see. Well, mister/missus Whiny McNagger, I've prepared a simple an' eloquent response just for you."
Deadpool: "Fuckers. It's not like there's any point to half my other appearances anyways. Marvel writers just use me as an author-insertion whatchamacallit, an' Craig's doin' the same thing. An' what kinda name is 'Craig' anyway? How d'ya pronounce it? CRAH-YEEG?"
Craig: "Regretting this already..."
Deadpool: "You're stuck with me now, bitchboy! HA!"
Deadpool: "Anyways, to further the plot/explain my point, I'm gonna need a volunteer - and lookit who we got here today! It's Thaal Sinestro, Green Lantern of Sector Not Here, citizen of one of those DC alien planets that aren't Krypton or Oa and so not worth mentioning, straight outta this summer's must-see blockbuster, Van Wilder Goes to Space!"
Sinestro: "My homeworld is called Korugar, I am the Lantern of Sector 1417, the movie is called Green Lantern, and nobody calls me by my first name."
Deadpool: "Yeah, most people don't call me 'Deadpool'. It's either 'Wade' or 'idiot'. Sucks."
Deadpool: "Now, I'd love to just stand around aaaaall day shootin' the breeze about scoring alien pussy with you - "
Sinestro: "What?"
Deadpool: "But, sadly, I brought you here today to give you some depressing news. Sinestro, my good going-to-be-evil-in-the-next-film buddy...your articulation sucks."
Sinestro: "Nonsense! I have plenty joints - see, I can make my arms go like an aeroplane!"
Deadpool: "Do you do that in the comics to help you fly?"
Sinestro: "Um...no."
Deadpool: "THEN WHAT GOOD IS IT?! Jeez!"
Deadpool: "Now, for comparisons' sake, and because I feel like sharin' the love, let's look at my new BFF here, Yoshimitsu. Say hi, Yoshi."
Yoshimitsu: <unintelligible Japanese babbling>
Deadpool: "Yeah, whatever."
Sinestro: "Stand back, earthling, my power ring is more than a match for this alien fiend!"
Deadpool: "Hey, whoa, dude! We're all friends here! Yoshi prolly isn't even a real alien!"
Yoshimitsu: POWER RING TRANSLATION: "Pink-skinned fool, my blade shall show you no mercy!"
Deadpool: "Seriously, chillax! It's all groovy in the hood-y."
Sinestro: "Didn't he just threaten to stab me?"
Deadpool: "Eh, that's normal. Besides, you're totally safe. Lemme explain..."
Deadpool: "Y'see, Yoshi here has NO joints. None at all. He can't move a muscle, which is why I can, say, pull on his wacky dreadlocks with impunity."
Yoshimitsu: POWER RING TRANSLATION: "Your mockery is ill-judged, vile assassin! Soon I will have your head as retribution!"
Off-screen Sinestro: "He's doing it again..."
Deadpool: "Only 'cause he loves me."
Deadpool: "Point is, that's what anyone who bought Yoshi would expect; the box made it pretty clear - in Japanese wiggly-writing - that he's a tiny plastic statue with some swappable parts, and that's what you get. Fair's fair."
Sinestro: "So why am I - ?"
Deadpool: "YOU, on the other hand? Your box said you were an action figure. An' that comes with a certain level of expectation. Namely, we expect you to do some ACTIONS! An' no, just standing there with a pink face doesn't count."
Deadpool: "On the flipside, here's my other new BFF...um...that guy from Crysis 2 (available now on Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and PC, game experience may change during online play, while stocks last!)."
Sinestro: "Did you just throw a shameless plug in?"
Deadpool: "I actually did feel quite ashamed about it, so, no. Anyway, say hi, guy!"
Alcatraz: <says nothing>
Deadpool: "Yeah, he don't talk much. But he does have guns so big they don't even fit in this photo, so I like him anyway."
Deadpool: "Now, y'know what Alka-Seltzer here's got that you don't, Sinny-side-up? I mean, besides an extra 50 pounds of wacky synthetic alien muscle-mass, natch."
Sinestro: "Conventional firearms?"
Deadpool: "Nope, try again."
Deadpool: "It's joints, man, JOINTS! Lookit 'im go with his muscley flexing!"
Sinestro: "You seem oddly excited by this."
Deadpool: "Hell yeah I - wait, what're you saying? You better not be questioning my man-salami, boy!"
Deadpool: "Yeah, you work it, baby! You're just a sexy boy - sex-ee bo-hoy..."
Alcatraz: <more nothing>
Sinestro: "Is there a point to all this?"
Deadpool: "Not ya boy toy, boyyyy to-ho - oh, right, point, sure. Just do me a favour an' bend one elbow."
Sinestro: "I...I...I can't?!"
Deadpool: "Told ya. Makes ya wonder why they painted them joints on, huh?"
Sinestro: "Oh hell, now my knee's gone too..."
Deadpool: "On the plus side, you'll rule at Basil Fawlty 'Hitler Walk' impressions. On the downside...uh, everything else."
Deadpool: "Now, I know how your bosses - by which I mean Mattel, not the Guardians - think, and they'll say that it's a movie line that'll sell anyway based on the license, so who cares about quality, right? Nuh-uh. That ain't gonna fly, and here's one reason why. Take a look at Iron Man here - "
Sinestro: "I'd rather not."
Deadpool: "Aw, don't be like that just 'cause he's already had a sequel!"
Iron Man: "Pffft, haters gonna hate."
Deadpool: "Look, what I'm tryinna say is, if the Iron Man movie figs can be built like they are, why can't the ones for Green - wait, where're you going, Tones?"
Iron Man: "To get my dick sucked, where else?"
Deadpool: "Kids can read this blog, ya know!"
Iron Man: "Get me a drink, bitch."
Deadpool: "Oy vey..."
Deadpool: "Okay, here's an example that's less of a dickhole. Thor! He of the hammer and the shouting!"
Sinestro: "That doesn't look like the guy from Home and Away..."
Deadpool: "Oh, yeah, this is just a Marvel Universe fig, we couldn't find any of the movie-style toys in shops before we shot this story - "
Thor: "BLOW, winds! ROLL, clouds! Storms of earth and sky, RAGE at this obscenity! THOR, God of Thunder, commands thee! For what hath transpired here today - thine lack of merchandising related to mine glorious cinematic debut - is most foully, vilely WRONG!"
Deadpool: "..."
Sinestro: "Does he always sound like that?"
Deadpool: "He definitely sounded more Australian when he was...an Australian."
Deadpool: "Speaking of Australians, this guy's a Kiwi and that's nearly the same thing to insensitive white folk like 90% of the internet...and me! An' he's got bendy elbows and knees too!"
Sinestro: "Yes, but his movie was part of a series with much greater public awareness than Green Lantern currently enjoys - "
Deadpool: "Dude, he's from a Star Wars prequel. A PREQUEL! You can't get more lame than that!"
Sinestro: "Can't he hear you?"
Deadpool: "Not with that thing on his head, he can't."
Deadpool: "An' just look at these two FINE G.I. Joe lay-deez! (G.I. Janes?) (like I care what their names are) See how the beauty of articulation lets 'em enjoy some sapphic cuddle-time? Hoo yeah, that'll get the page hits through the roof! No need t' thank me, Cry-eg!"
Craig: *sigh*
Sinestro: "Tch, your crude debasing of your earthly females is repulsive."
Deadpool: "Pfft, like things ain't gettin' tight in yer CGI long-johns, mister David Niven mustache!"
Sinestro: "No comment."
Deadpool: "An' just think, Carol! If only you Marvel Universe bimbos had them Joe hip-joints, we could be in the Bahamas doin' this all day!" *note the hands*
Ms. Marvel: "Yeah, I'm counting my blessings that DIDN'T happen."
Deadpool: "I knew you were a dyke."
Ms. Marvel: "Please..."
Deadpool: "Look, even your fellow countrymen got bendy elbows!"
Sinestro: "Fellow countrymen...?"
Deadpool: "I saw you in Sherlock Holmes, I know you're from England Land. Just like this guy, uhm...what's it...Captain Britain?"
Union Jack: "It's UNION JACK, you facking caahhhnt!"
Sinestro: "Is that...Ray Winstone?"
Deadpool: "If so, I need to figger out what diet plan he's on."
Deadpool: "Hey, don't look so down, Thaal. You know we like you and your immaculate facial hair! And that's the kicker - we only whine because we care. We want to buy toys of you and Kilowog and Tomar Re and Ganthet and Hannibal King, I mean me, no, I mean Guy Gardner - "
Sinestro: "Ryan Reynolds was playing Hal Jordan."
Deadpool: "Wait, REALLY?! Man...whatever, the point is, even kids have standards. If they see schmucks like me, who don't have a movie - because WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT WOLVERINE ORIGINS - gettin' this much love, whilst badass dudes like you get no elbows, knees, wrists or ankles, and those g'damn awful diaper-crotches. It ain't right! Know what I mean?"
Sinestro: "Silence!"
Deadpool: "Ay-yi-pointy thing in my face!"
Sinestro: "You think you can deceive me with your false camaraderie? I know your true purpose here; to sabotage the profitability of DC toys by brainwashing kids into buying Marvel junk instead!"
Deadpool: "Whoa, you're jumping to conclusions harder than a judgemental kangaroo, man. Worse, ya made three pretty big oversights. Numero uno, forgot to raise your hand and turn your wrist when you used your ring there. Why's that, I wonder - OH WAIT."
Sinestro: "Grrr..."
Deadpool: "Numero dos, magickin' up one weird-ass sword to fight a guy carrying two really cool swords? Colour me unimpressed. I mean, 'color'. Screw your Brit spelling, Crugg!"
Deadpool: "Numero...uhm...three, there's this thing - "
Deadpool: "Bang-a-rang!"
Sinestro: "BLORG!"
Deadpool: "YES! I WIN! The moral high ground is mine! Shut up, it just is. And that's the lesson for today, folks; you can pack as many translucent-swords and spring-loaded bazookas with yer toys as you c'n fit in the box, but if the joints ain't up to scratch, it's still gonna be a sucky figure. Also, I'm awesome and you should totally buy all my merch. Here endeth the lesson."
Deadpool: "BLORG!"
Iron Man: "Where's my DRINK?!"
DISCLAIMER: Since this little rant/story was originally photographed, a few things have changed in the toy world. In particular, Hasbro have let the standards on their movie-licensed Marvel figures drop in the name of cutting costs, albeit not so far that they're as bad as Mattel's almost comically poor Green Lantern toys. While I do understand the reasons for this change - plastic isn't cheap, and the lines are aimed at youngsters rather than serious collectors so standards theoretically don't have to be as high - it's nonetheless aggravating that, say, I had to wait for the 3rd or 4th wave of Avengers figures before I could find versions of Captain America and Iron Man that both match their appearances in the film AND have enough range of motion to achieve dynamic poses. I'm still waiting for a Thor from that series that doesn't suck.
Don't get me started on the first bunch of Retaliation figures, either.
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