Please Make BEWARE THE BATMAN Not Happen Again

Now, after my Smallville comics post, you may think that I am not someone who has any business getting up in arms over some change to the Batman status quo - and honestly, I'm with you there.  I am very much in favour of new approaches where this character is concerned, especially if they take us in as un-Nolan a direction as possible.

Even so, there is a line that shouldn't be crossed.  And with the upcoming animated series Beware the Batman, someone at DC or Warner Bros. has just skipped merrily over that line without a care.  For evidence, I summon forth a recently-debuted character focus sheet, found in a recent issue of a DC Nation kids' magazine by the folks behind the DC Women Kicking Ass Tumblr:

Can't see the problem yet?  Let me take a page out of CSI here.  ZOOM.  ENHANCE.

Alfred's preferred weapon is a f***ing pulse rifle.

A pulse rifle.  Which, let's be clear, is a gun.  A gun being used by Batman's butler/assistant/best friend.

Remember how Batman's parents died?  Remember how awful that was for him?  Remember how it basically made him vehemently opposed to the very idea of ever using a firearm?

And boy I really hate it when I have to use Frank Miller as

an example of Batman done 'right'...

And yet, here he's totally okay with letting Alfred tote an automatic rifle.

No.  No.  That isn't 'interesting new take', it's a violation of the character's foundations and it's utterly pointless.  You want to have an Alfred who's more action-oriented, who helps Batman out of tough scrapes by throwing down with the bad guys?  Sure, you can have that, but there's no reason he has to do it with a gun.  Just have him wail on guys with a golf club - or, given that here he looks the spitting image of The Goon, his enormous ham-fists of justice.  But not a gun.  Never a gun.

And yes, I'm sure that (this being a kid's show etc.) the rifle will be some sort of non-lethal tazer thing rather than a Colonial Marines-endorsed murder machine, but it's still providing all the wrong sort of imagery for a Batman ally.  And I really have no clue why it's happening here.

I just don't want it to ever happen again.

Now Playing: DEAD OR ALIVE 5

"3...2...1...Strike a pose, everybody!"

Released October 2012.

Published by Tecmo Koei.

Developed by Team Ninja.

Version played: PlayStation 3.

Fighting games seem to have seasons, I've noticed.  You can go for 3 years with not a single new arrival outside of small-time indies on Steam and other such services, until all of a sudden a whole bunch of them arrive, practically tripping over each other's over-muscled bodies in their attempt to sweet-talk you with their expanded rosters, shinier graphics and thoughtful tutorial mode for stupid people.  So while Team Ninja can talk all they like about an organic process of growth over the many years that Dead or Alive was dormant leading up to its well-plotted-out reappearance, the fact that it's riding in on the coattails of Tekken Tag Tournament 2's worldwide hype train - which itself rose from the shadows cast by Street Fighter X Tekken - seems a little too convenient to be coincidence.  Still, there's no rule saying we can't have more than one solid fighter to choose from at any given time, so I was more than ready to welcome a return to the DOAverse.  And having been wearing my thumbs down with it for a week or so now, it's time to take a more in-depth look under its shirt.  I mean, boobs.  Bonnet, dammit!

Film Reaction: RESIDENT EVIL RETRIBUTION

WEARING.  TOO MANY.  GODDAMN.  BUCKLES.

It took me a while to decide whether or not there was much point in doing a write-up of my experience watching Retribution, the latest in what is still, mind-bogglingly enough, the most successful videogame-to-film series of all time.  This is mainly due to fatigue with the series and the attitude of its architects - every time  a new film comes out, professional critics and simple fans alike express in many cases the same grievances, and every time series overseer Paul W.S. Anderson politely sticks his fingers in his ears, smiling mildly at the okay box office returns which more than double whatever the film cost to make.  Then it's back on the merry-go-round for another whirl, with the script blithely tying itself in knots to explain (or not explain) the absence of characters from the last film and sudden appearance of replacements.

That said, after leaving this blog to rot for far too long, I feel the need to continue my current activity levels, and while Retribution certainly fell into a few of the same pits as its predecessors, it also found new, hitherto-unknown ways to fail, too.  And who says innovation is dead?

WARNING:  SPOILERS FOLLOW.

Worst Wii Game Ever?

Dunno about anyone else, but I really feel a burning need to play this shit for myself, if only to hear more of the lead character's godawful Londoner monologuing.  "Well, oi serpose oi've nevah bin good wif peepow..."

Firefly HATES Christmas...

...because nobody likes what he leaves under the tree.

Have a good one tomorrow, folks, whilst I go work.  *cries*

'Force Unleashed 2' - And Another Thing...

It occurred to me today, whilst trudging fruitlessly through the sodding snow again, that I left out one of my main irritations with The Force Unleashed 2 during my previous post about the game.  And since I love a good whinge, I figure I should bring it up here.  However, I warn you now that this is a story-related issue, so there will be some

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

Spoilers, yes.

So, at the game's finale, after His Evilness Darth Vader crushes the neck of Juno Eclipse, Starkiller-1's girlfriend and object of obsession for his clone (which'd be you) and you proceed to stab holes in his 7-foot paedo-breathing arse in retaliation, you're faced with one of those pesky BioShock-alike moral choice moments: kill Vader or let the Rebels arrest him.

Is this the face of a man you can pity?

Now, whilst taking Vader's varnished head off with a single lightsaber swipe did sound awfully tempting after struggling through the boss fight with the perma-blocking git, I'm a Star Wars fanboy to the last, and so chose to spare him, curious to see what the 'canon' ending would be (killing Vader before A New Hope would rather bugger up the overall movie plotline, after all).  As a result, Vader is taken into Alliance custody (and it must be said, the ragtag bunch of rebels, who are typically so useless they can actually be out-shot by stormtroopers, do a remarkably good job of keeping him locked up), Starkiller-2 finally reunites with his clone-father's missus, who wasn't quite as dead as she appeared.  And they fly away to, I dunno, have sex or something, with only a chained-up Vader's warning of "As long as she lives, I will always have power over you..." to concern their little minds.  Oh yeah, and Slave 1 following them silently, in typical schlock blockbuster sequel-bait fashion.

Aaaaand roll credits.

That's it?  Seriously, for all my thumb/wrist strain, I get essentially no resolution or revelations, just the promise of another bloody Force Unleashed game, which is pretty much exactly what I don't want for the future of Star Wars?  Urrrrrggh.  As I said in my review, I forgave Unleashed 1 for its various faults based solely on the story, which amongst other things, had a very definite and satisfying ending.  Is there any reason the already-pointless sequel couldn't at least mimic its forebearer in that respect?

Oh yeah, and if you had to set up another game, you could at least have come up with a more interesting cliffhanger, LucasArts.  Ooh, only Vader knows if the original Starkiller is still alive?  Funny, I played the first game and remember him being quite dead at the end.  And what difference does it make, anyway?  Vader's going to escape before the Rebels can do anything important with him - we've all seen A New Hope, we know how this goes.  And what the hell does Boba Fett have to do with it?  Did Vader include some kind of 'get me out of jail' clause in his contract, just in case shit like this went down?  Was Boba feeling charitable towards a fellow wearer of curious headgear?

Stupid.

I didn't have to work today.

But I went down there anyway, because apparently, I'm just that stupid.

Fuck you all.